Living together during a relationship has it’s pros and cons. Some say that neither party will purchase a bovine whose milk they can drink without paying for it in advance. Others say there’s no other way to know whether said bovine is the bovine for you without first testing the waters.

Well, I’m here to tell you that living together certainly is a great way to take the next step with a cow that you’ve known for a while, and also a person that you’re dating. Here are five things that you can’t learn about someone unless you live with them:

  1. What they do with mail. You’d be surprised at how many different things people do with mail. Let it pile up, leave it lying around, open it and leave envelopes and pieces of mail in two different places, open it then put it back in the mail basket, vengefully ignore it.
  2. What they look like when they eat. You might think that you’ve seen them eat, at your apartment or at a restaurant. But believe me, you don’t know how they eat when they aren’t thinking about how they look when they eat until you’ve cohabited.
  3. How much time they really want to spend with you. Again, you may think you know this. You’ve been on dates, you’ve stayed at each others’ places. But just like friendships change when you become roommates, so too do relationships with cows that you’re considering marrying. Maybe they want to hang out with you all day every day; maybe they’d prefer to set aside one hour a week for “you time” now that they know they have you where they want you. Impossible to say without living in sin.
  4. How often they talk to their family, and what that sounds like. If they ignore calls from their mother for weeks or address her as “mommy,” it often takes a signed lease agreement to bring those facts to light.
  5. That the stupid things women’s magazines tell you you’ll learn from living together, like his bathroom habits and your big secret farts, pale in comparison to what you learn by sitting quietly in the same room together and both calling that “home.”