Don’t get me wrong, I’m a big fan of sex. I love it. I love oral sex, intercourse, some light bondage, a bite here or there, the occasional spank – I’m all for it. However, sometimes I want to subtract you from the equation. It has nothing to do with you or your technique, of course; but more about me.

1. I’m selfish.

I love you, I really do; okay, not really, but I do love you inside me. I love your groans and that dopey look you get when you think you’re making me come. But sometimes I just don’t have the interest in reciprocating. I believe in each of us playing an equal role in the sack, but when it comes down to it, I’m always going to love me more than you, and sometimes a girl just needs to put herself first.

2. I can focus on me (multiple times).

The best thing about quality alone time is I can do it over and over again. If I’ve called in sick to work, it can be an afternoon of orgasms, or at least until I get carpel tunnel Hell, I don’t think that would stop me either. I’ve always believed that too much is sometimes not enough.

3. It’s just an itch.

Although I love the weight of your body on mine, or your legs tangled around me, sometimes I just need to double click my mouse on my own. It has nothing to do with you, it’s like having a drink after a long day, a quick way to relax and unwind. And the best part is, if I fall asleep afterwards because I’ve relaxed myself that much, I don’t have to apologize to you later for taking a catnap mid-coitus.

4. You always come first anyway.

Do you ever notice how the game is over once you reach orgasm? Even if I have a wallet full of quarters, you’re pretty reluctant to give me a chance to “get there,” too. You do that thing where you pretend you’re into getting me off, but instead you’re just paying your dues, all while thinking about what might be on television. Choosing masturbation over sex means I don’t have to feel rushed or that I’m on a stage trying to come while you stare at me and ask “Yet?” with your facial expressions.

5. It’s a time thing.

To be honest, with the right vibrator or a swift twist of my wrist, I can make myself come in less than three minutes. I can do it quickly before work, between classes, and if I’m feeling really daring, in the back of cab on the way to meeting a friend for lunch. Granted, I haven’t tried the latter and probably won’t, but at least I know I can if the mood strikes. That fact alone is what really seals the deal for me: I’m an all-in-one self-sustaining, self-pleasuring entity unto myself. I’m the gift that keeps giving… to myself.