photo: Shutterstock

photo: Shutterstock

Some might call my hatred of “down there” irrational, but I think it is one of the single worst things to call your lady garden. Nothing takes me out of a smutty novel quicker than referring to the magical vagina as “down there.” Even rap slang is better, in my humble opinion. “Down there,” like the vadge is some mysterious horror show where you could get lost if you don’t have a map. Or, like you’re the starry eyed virgin in a certain BDSM themed airplane novel who doesn’t know the difference between a jerk with mommy issues and a dom. “Down there” reduces your business to something you can’t even name, and it’s tough to take pride in your bits if they don’t even get their own sassy (or raunchy, or sweet, or funny) title.

Anything that inspires as much fear, lust, and admiration as the vagina deserves a more evocative name than “down there.” Some are sexy, some are silly, and some might make you blush, but I am all about taking back the power in words.

Pussy power!

  1. Baby maker only the most important part of the circle of life
  2. Axe wound evocative!
  3. Pounani mysterious
  4. Mermaid purse sweet and fanciful
  5. Cock holster star in your own XXX western
  6. Nana Rihanna sang it
  7. Pasqueet loud and proud
  8. Vadge
  9. C*nt let’s take this one back, shall we?
  10. Twat
  11. Lady flower like Georgia O’Keefe’s
  12. Butterfly
  13. Poon tang rapper’s delight
  14. Love tunnel what they called it at the drive-in
  15. Devil’s doorbell ring my b-e-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l!
  16. Pussy can you still call it “pussy” if you go Brazilian?
  17. Jaws of life
  18. Coin purse because you can smuggle things in it
  19. Lady bits
  20. Privates for the shy bunnies
  21. Chocha
  22. Girlie
  23. Muff
  24. Snatch get it while it’s hot
  25. Beaver
  26. Clam
  27. Kitty PG version of an old favorite
  28. Noni I hear it’s Sanskrit
  29. Pink taco cute and satisfying
  30. Cave of wonders
  31. Muffin
  32. Vajayjay thank you, Shonda Rhimes
  33. Wizard sleeve
  34. Cookie what’s your favorite flavor?
  35. Box
  36. Cooter when you want it to feel like a hillbilly
  37. Coochie sassy
  38. Pie delicious with whipped cream
  39. Munch box
  40. Pink pearl because it’s the most valuable thing on Earth
  41. Panty hamster
  42. Toy box fun for hours
  43. Nether regions
  44. Hoo ha because sometimes genitalia is hilarious
  45. Bald man in a boat Get it? GET IT???
  46. Tongue trap we can only hope
  47. Breakfast of Champions
  48. Paw paw patch
  49. Her/my sex living in a romance novel
  50. Cherry Warrant sang it best

Name it. Love it. Never put Summer’s Eve on it. And for the love of panty hamsters everywhere, stop calling it “down there.”

Please tell me if you have a better name to add to this list. I highly recommend making your own list as a bar game. You’ll make lots of new friends and shoot beer out your nose. Trouser snakes shouldn’t have all the fun.