As an avid advocate for masturbation, I am neither ashamed nor conflicted regarding the loveliness of self pleasure. I think it’s deeply important to have a healthy relationship with your body, particularly when it comes to your good ol’ genitals. So, why am I constantly having incredibly bizarre thoughts while going at it alone? And why are Breaking Bad GIFs so damn pertinent?

1. Time to relax. This will take — what, 5 minutes?

popcorn gif

2. But my roommates can totally hear my vibrator.

3. And somebody is definitely watching from the window across the alley.

spying gif

4. Wait, how have I never noticed that that’s a church?

That-Awkward-Moment-harry-potter

5. Oh god, a priest has just judged me for my porn habits.

6. AND SO HAS GOD.

Via OCA.

Via OCA.

7. Eh, what am I gonna do?

hades gonna hade

8. Ah, finally a clip that is longer than 30 seconds.

9. What is the equivalent of penis pumps for women?

10. Wait, a quick dance around my imagination with that thought gives me a terrible image.

mother of god gif

Via Tumblr.

11. Guh, I need to call FreshDirect about messing up my order.

jen aniston

12. They seriously forgot 2 pizzas.

13. They also keep calling me “Sarah.” What the hell?

sudden change say my name

14. I mean, really, that sounds surprisingly little like “Sam.”

bb say it

15. Oh god, this is taking forever. If my roommates can hear me, they probably think I’ve passed out with this thing all up on me.

emma-roberts-sleep-totally-awkward-moment-funny

16. Oh, good, I can hear American Horror Story on next door.

cover-ears

17. For shit’s sake, I cannot handle all these LiveJasmin popups, Tube8.

panda comp gif

18. …Aaaaand I finished. Wait, did I? I did. Okay.

i think we're done here

19. Then again, thank goodness for the Internet.

20. I really need curtains.

hi-there-camera

21. Eh, maybe I’m secretly an exhibitionist.

exhibitionist gif

22. I need a snack.

himym

23. Perhaps pizza! …Oh, wait.

Icant2