Pretend rock star, adult contemporary heartthrob, reality TV judge and serial modelizer Adam Levine turns 35 today. In honor of his birthday, we are temporarily suspending our three month and counting outrage over his outrageous selection as People’s Sexiest Man Alive, and taking a more holistic view of our favorite bro to hate.
We’ve given my favorite guilty Jewish boy crush a hard time for snarking Honey Boo Boo, exclusively dating lingerie models, and making cologne that looks like the Olsen twins’ first fragrance for Wal-Mart. But it’s time to cut him some slack, because Adam Levine is basically just a hot, dumb model. Not so great at talking, but most excellent at making sexy face without a shirt.
1. Let’s start with the obvious. Adam Levine is good looking.
Like, really good looking. Such stubble. Much chiseled. But also kind of gross.
He’s pretty, but not the kind of pretty you want to bring home to the parents. Like, Kate Upton is great, but you know that she would show up to meet your grandma in a mini dress. Adam Levine has perfectly symmetrical features, but you wouldn’t be shocked if his manager had to remind him to shower or check if girls are 18.
2. He is a lifestyle brand.
3. He is totally OK with being dumb.
“I hate flying,” Levine says. “Know why? Because no one really understands how planes actually work.” -Details, 2012
One of the perks of being really, really, ridiculously good looking is that you don’t have to be all that bright. Let’s be real. Adam Levine is one of those people so hot that he’s even going to age well, like Naomi Campbell or George Clooney. Unless he’s struck with leprosy, he can probably skate by on looks forever. Grown men should at least pretend to know how planes work, and maybe not say things like, “I’ll tell you what yoga is good for: Fuuuuck-ing,” out loud. But if you can be a moron and still get fame, fortune, and tail, you go Glen Coco.
4. He’s almost edgy, but not quite.
You know who still listens to Maroon 5? Your sexually frustrated middle aged neighbor (fun fact: People‘s readers have an average age of 38, which makes the “Sexiest” decision less shocking). Adam Levine can rock a V neck and a full sleeve, but real rock stars look like Ozzy Osbourne. Adam Levine is basically Harry Styles with more tattoos. Like most good models, Adam Levine has just enough edge to make himself a personal brand while staying far away from less sexy rehab territory.
5. He likes gratuitous nudity.
You probably know what Adam Levine looks like shirtless, whether you wanted to or not. When he’s not totally half naked, he’s usually wearing one of those baggy undershirts that are basically the dudebro equivalent of a string bikini. The abs distract from the stupid, and you gotta give him credit for playing to his strengths. I mean, I’d post naked selfies too if I looked like Chrissy Teigen.
6. Adam Levine is basically harmless.
There are famous men that do legitimately horrible things. Violent, racist, drunk driving things. In comparison, just being kind of an airheaded twat is not that bad. The worst I can say about Adam Levine is that he doesn’t really understand birth control and has occasional neck beard. When they’re not talking, models make our lives better with their beautiful, beautiful faces.
7. He sleeps around.
“There are men who are fucking misogynist pigs, and then there are men who just really love women, who think they’re the most amazing people in the world. And that’s me. Maybe the reason I was promiscuous, and wanted to sleep with a lot of them, is that I love them so much.” -Details, 2012
If anything about the incestuous Hollywood dating circle surprises me, it’s that more models and actors/actresses aren’t racking up impressive bang lists ala Levine and Lindsay Lohan. Everyone’s hot. The celebrity divorce rate is even higher than for us normals. Models and celebs basically get to live like the popular kids in high school 24/7, quick sexy flings included.
I kind of miss the days when rock stars were untouchable sex objects, and we didn’t have to know that they’re sexist or racist or used to nail Jessica Simpson or have questionable takes on science. Adam Levine would be a whole lot hotter if he kept his mouth shut, but as far as male celebrities go, his bro rants are pretty tame. You wouldn’t want your friend to marry him, but you’d be totally fine with her using him for rebound sex.
Not all celebrities have to make great strides for humanity. Adam Levine isn’t the eye candy we need right now, but he’s the eye candy we deserve.