dumb and dumber

When I saw XOJane had a piece on how to stop dating “dumb dudes” I was pretty excited. Finally, tricks to meet the Mensa member who would insure my children have brains so large that their heads just bobbled about terrifyingly.

This is their list of dumb dudes:

  • The “I’m just not good enough for you” dude: He’s right. That motherfucker is going to pull some epically dumb shit on your ass that will have your self-esteem fucked up for YEARS. RUN.
  • The “Forty-Seven Year Old still lives in his mama’s basement making beats and jamming with his band all day, I’m tryna make moves” dude: He will only move from his mama’s basement to yours. No way, GIRL.
  • The “ I’m 1000% dedicated to my career workaholic” dude: Let’s do some dumb dude mathematics. Money over bitches equals you are always going to be the bitch equals LEAVE HIS ASS ALONE.
  • The “ I am shitty to everybody but you” dude: First of all, if he is shitty to everybody around you then he is defacto being shitty to you and “Girl, will you look at the time! Its We Don’t Take NO Shit O’clock!” BOUNCE! 
  • The “All my exes are crazy psycho BITCHES” dude: Do you know why 99.9% of bitches are “psycho”? Because they fucked that dude! Do NOT let this EMOTIONAL TERRORIST put his P in your V. No, M’AM.
  • The “I have a drug, health, alcohol, sex addiction or whatever problem and I will not get help” dude: If he will not treat his own mind, body, and soul with proper care, respect, and love, TRUST and BELIEVE, he will not offer you those things either. You deserve those things! HE GONE.
  • The “I’m married.” dude: Girl, I will CUT YOU.

The thing is, I think these are not so much “dumb dudes” as “dudes it is dumb to date.” For instance, what if he is a workaholic and his career involves curing cancer? He certainly doesn’t sound like a dumb dude, then, he just sounds like he might not be an ideal romantic candidate. Wasn’t Einstein always forgetting his mistress’s birthday? And didn’t Einstein… have a mistress? I mean, again, smart guy, great guy, just not an ideal boyfriend.

If your only priority is not dating “dumb dudes though, can I suggest…

  • Only meet them at MENSA meetings. They’ll be pretentious, but they’ll be smart.
  • Carry on all your flirtations in Ancient Greek. Not relevant, I guess, if you are in Ancient Greece.
  • Rather than ask what they do, or what their hobbies are, immediately quiz them on minor historical battles
  • Seek out men with elbow patches on their suits. They may be dumb, but at least have respect for smart people culture
  • Look for the ones with the great heads like balloons bobbling about, housing their massive brains. Those ones are mine.