I do not like Zooey Deschanel. I do not like Ben Gibbard. I do not like green eggs & ham, Sam I am.
Okay, but really: as much as I cannot stand either of these celebrities (Zooey for what she’s done via the woman child and Ben Gibbard because I resent the fact that I cry whenever I hear certain Death Cab For Cutie songs out of bitter resentment), I am still a little bummed out that they have officially broken up.
My disappointment does not resonant from some bizarre displaced center of affection. I do not care about celebrity relationships 95% of the time (because seriously, why bother?). In general, famous people breaking up seems like a rather silly thing to be upset about, so I just do not find it necessary to get all sassy sad about.
That said, I do get bummed when celebrities who seem absolutely perfect for one another split. When Danny Devito and Rhea Perlman broke up, I was legitimately sad. When Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez broke up, I was not — because they’re around sixteen and I believe most people should date approximately ten people in their teenage years (casually, not seriously) in their teenage years to figure out what they like. However, when Seal and Heidi Klum called it quits, I was quite disappointed. Who will have the best couple’s costume in LA, I pondered. Who will dress up as not a doctor and sexy nurse or rock star and sexy groupie or fireman and sexy cat stuck up a tree?
So, yes, Zooey Deschanel, Ben Gibbard and all the adorkable hipsters in the world are collectively splitting up right now. They are just so excellently cute and sweet and occasionally sullen together, I can’t help but be a tad bit fond. According to outside sources, they pair is breaking up because “unhappy and irreconcilable differences have arisen between the parties, which have caused the irremediable breakdown of their marriage. There is no possibility that counseling … or mediation could save the marriage.” We’ve all been there, right? Yes, Deschanel and/or Gibbard might be annoying, but we may still be able to empathize with how shitty “unhappy and irreconcilable difference” can be. So, for the first time in positively ages, I feel empathetic towards the both of ’em.
Anyway, it sucks when cool couples break up. It is always a bit disheartening. I, too, have been a part of a “power couple.” It truly is wonderful until you realize that your power resonates from image, not instance, so Zooey/Ben: I’m sorry. Breakups suck. Grab some ice cream with Jon Stewart and all will be well, capisce?