I’m not even sure how I stumbled upon it (bad luck, perhaps?), but sometime in the past week I came across one of those all-knowing websites geared toward men. You know the type I’m talking about: they give advice on things about which they know very little, and usually do so with scantily clad ladies straddling a roast beef and seductively sipping on a Heineken, or some equally bad beer. Because that’s what all women do in their spare time, in between pillow fights in our underwear with our friends at slumber parties.
However, this particular site also had the first Boba Fett screen test from way back in 1978, so that was cool and definitely worth the scowling that came with the advice section.
So, what were the all-so important instructions that this site had to suggest to their menfolk when dealing with the ladies who, obviously must be handled with care because, as we all know, bitches be crazy? Questions that you should NEVER ask a woman, like, never ever ever. Unless, of course, you want some sort of devil-type wrath unleashed on your ass
1. “Are you on your period?” Why? Men’s site’s explanation: “Because you have a penis and you’ll never understand the pain of menstrual cramps. I imagine it to be a feeling similar to being kicked in the testes whilst simultaneously shitting yourself.”
You shouldn’t ask because our argument or short patience with you just might have to do with the fact that you’re being an idiot, not that we have necessarily are “on our period.” Some women can actually menstruate unscathed of cramps and emotional breakdowns, because, oh I don’t know, it’s 2013 and there’s a pill for everything.
2. “You sound just like my mom.” Why? Men’s site: “Informing your girlfriend that she sounds like your dear old mother is exactly the same as informing your girlfriend that she’s an insufferable old witch with areolas that touch her toenails.”
Depending on our relationship with your mother, this actually might be a fucking compliment, dude. It also may come as a surprise to you, but the last thing that crosses our minds should you say this to us is the thought of our areolas touching our toenails. That’s more a concern for you, than us… evidently.
3. “Make me a sandwich.” Why? Men’s site: “There was a time when women would laugh at the relentless barrage of faux-sexist sandwich and kitchen jokes. That time was 2010.”
That was more like 1967; now go make your own fucking sandwich as we rub our boobs with magical cream so they never sag, and are always perfect for you.
4. “Can we go back to your place?” Why? Men’s site: “A question which could easily be followed with ‘because my girlfriend/my mom/a dead prostitute is at my house’.”
If men seriously think this is what goes through our head when we hear this, they’re drunk and need to go home. End of story.
5. “I’ve taken my ex-girlfriend here before.” Why? Men’s site: Well, to summarize for them, women can’t handle comparisons between a man’s past and present, because obviously stating that you’ve been to someplace with an ex is a DEFINITE comparison.
What? Can we get some Merriam-Webster up in here? How is that even remotely a “comparison?” And do you think we don’t have a past either, and that we’ll never take you to the same place we went with our exes? Get your heads out of your asses, dudes… but not before you score a pocket dictionary.
6. “Do you want a ride?” Why? Men’s site: “However, to those men who see this gesture as harmless as offering a girl a drink at a bar, you should probably consider that you look like a rapist. That chloroform in your glove compartment doesn’t help, either.”
UGH/WRONG/WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK?
In should be noted that this particular bit of advice starts off with the guy being told that he shouldn’t pull up to the side of a road and ask a stranger, presumably a woman he’s never met for a ride. What part of TLC’s “No Scrubs,” do guys totally not comprehend? It’s so very clear: “I don’t want no scrub/A scrub is a guy that can’t get no love from me/Hanging out the passenger side/Of his best friend’s ride/Trying to holler at me…” Get it?
7. “Your boobs have gotten bigger.” Why? Men’s site: “However, as a woman’s breasts typically grow bigger as a result of weight gain, their period or pregnancy, it probably isn’t best that you comment on their size, nor should you motorboat them and/or use them as makeshift bongo drums.”
Just shut the fucking fuck up already, dude mag. Now you’re just starting to sound like the 10 commandments of a goddamn frat house.
8. “Hi, I’ve tried calling you seven times, but you didn’t pick up. D’ya still want to go on that date?” Why? Men’s site: “‘It’s his desperation and lack of any discernible form of sex life that turns me on.’ – No woman ever.”
Or maybe it’s that fact that “d’ya” isn’t a word and we don’t want to spend time with a guy who’s too lazy to say “did you.” If he’s lazy with his words, fuck only knows where else he’s lazy. (Although, yes, it does show some level of creepy desperation and no one likes Mr. Creepy Desperation, not even a fellow creepster.)