A close reading

Stress is related to 99% of all illness. The other 1% is caused by hysteria or possibly enchantment (have you recently angered a witch?). Calm down. You’re fine. The rest of you, take a nap or something; that should take care of things.

Water flushes unwanted toxins from your body. I will offer myself as an indentured servant for seven years to the first person who can explain to me what a toxin actually is.

Observe a plant. Do not trust them. They are watching you at every moment; watch them right back. Learn their secrets. Gain their trust. Then destroy them.

Health attracts health. Sickness attracts sickness. This is why hospitals treat cancer patients by bringing healthy athletes in to just hang around the hallways until everyone gets better.

The perfect tombstone would read “all used up.” The perfect tombstone would also have gentle eyes and understand that sometimes when you talk about your problems you don’t want anyone to fix them for you, you just want to be held, forever, in the dirt, surrounded by other corpses.

Sunscreen absorbed into the skin might be worse for you than sunshine. Get the right amount of sunshine. Sunscreen absorbed into the skin might also be worse for you than smoking. We simply don’t know. The science just isn’t there yet. No one knows exactly what it is that sunscreen does. It might block certain types of UVA and UVB rays. The again, it might cause you to become epileptic. There’s no way to tell, so never wear any, just to be safe.

Do one thing a day that scares you, like taking out student loans you could never possibly afford to repay or alienating the people you love most so that you are finally and truly alone.

Sweat once a day to regenerate your skin. Those who do not sweat are terrible to behold late in life, after their skin has disintegrated beyond repair. These poor devils, trapped in their ghastly flayed bodies, shamble through their final days fearing even the slightest touch, which inflames the exposed nerves and raw muscle. Their agonizing shrieks warn of their approach.

Take various vitamins. You never know what small mineral can eliminate the bottleneck to everlasting health. If you’re not sure what it does, put it in your body, just in case it makes you live forever.

Don’t trust that an old age pension will be sufficient. You’re going to live forever from all those vitamins, remember. Bathe in the blood of freshly slaughtered tweens for an everlasting glow.

Someone will inevitably make a sandwich on your counter. Don’t you dare eat that sandwich. What if there are toxins in it? Wrap your heart in salt water and sob violently for an hour instead. This is good for you, somehow.

Nature wants us to be mediocre because we have a greater chance to survive and reproduce. It’s the plants again. I told you to watch them. They’re planning. They’re counting on our complacency. Wake up, sheeple.

Children are the orgasm of life. Well, then.

10-15 friends allows for real relationships. 9 is not enough – what if you need to form a last-minute minyan but one of them gets sick? – and 16 is just ridiculous.

This is not your practice life. This is all there is. Death comes for us all, followed by an eternal nothing. A true point, and well-made at that. This one goes to you, Lululemon.

[Image via Lululemon]