When you’re being broken up with, you may feel helpless and unable to prevent the heartache before you.  But that’s because you aren’t trying hard enough!  Here are five strategies to manipulate your way out of a break up.

1.  Create a Language Barrier

Pretend you can’t speak English.  Even if you’ve spoken English thousands of times within earshot of your significant other, no one can prove that you haven’t suddenly forgotten the entire language.  And no one can break up with you if they can’t communicate that they are breaking up with you.

2.  Create a Sound Barrier

A variation of the suggestion above is to simply drown out your partner’s words with the loudest sound possible.  Again, no one can break up with you if you can’t understand what they’re saying.

3.  Make Yourself Indispensable

Poison something.  Use the antidote as leverage.

The one downside to this method is that you’ll have to give them the antidote eventually if you want to keep them alive, and then you won’t have unquestionable, supreme power anymore.  To solve this, you’ll have to keep poisoning things, effectively trapping your significant other in an endless cycle of desperate need.

4.  Monopolize Important Resources

This method can be tricky to pull off, but if done correctly, it can prevent a breakup indefinitely.

5.  Be Awesome

If you are awesome enough, no one will want to break up with you.  Become impressive.