Hi, buddy. You look nice today. Oh, also, we need to talk.
I think running around saying “I’m never getting married again” has stopped being cute. Look, there’s a time – for all of us – when saying “I’m never getting married!” is adorable. That time is when we’re five years old and saying “I’m only going to marry you, Spikeroll!” And Spikeroll is a stuffed dinosaur. But just as declaring “I’m only going to marry you, Spikeroll” is less “charming” when you’re 50 and more “you have objectophilia.” So is boldly stating that you can just never marry again. To anyone.
Look, it’s not never getting married itself that I think is dumb. I’m not implying that if you don’t get married your tattered body will be found three weeks after your death, partially eaten by… no one, for you have not even a cat to love. I would never imply that. Besides. It wouldn’t matter to you. You’d be dead.
I would imply that ruling it out as a possibility seems idiotic, though. Okay. Sure. You might never get married again, George Clooney. If you never find anyone you love enough for the kind of self sacrifice that marriage entails you should never get married again. But it seems hard for anyone to definitively know what the future holds unless they are some sort of non-charlatan psychic.
But look. You are reaching the age where, well, where you’re no longer a young man. How would this look, George Clooney, this proud declaration that you’re “never getting married!” if you were not George Clooney? Let’s just imagine you as a random fifty year old dude in a bar telling seemingly everyone you come into contact with that you are never going to get married. Let’s just picture you there, pounding down brewskis shouting, “I’m not getting married! Not me!” You would not sound like a super cool dude. You would sound like a full-on lunatic.
The problem is that there’s a point in life where it begins to sound slightly egotistical. Now, that’s a kind of egotism that you can get away with much more easily if you are George Clooney versus if you are that random fifty year old in the bar. But it still carries the assumption that everyone woman wants – desperately! – to marry you.
And, well, George, you are still a very dapper bachelor. I suppose I would probably still be very happy to date you despite the fact that I am half your age. I suppose a great many women feel that way. But not all of them, George! If you ask some of them women in the office they will reply, hesitantly “well, you know, he’s kind of… old.” They’d rather date Ryan Gosling. I’m just trying to level with you, buddy.
I imagine, in ten years time, as you become truly old, the number of enthusiastic women is going to dwindle considerably. And it’s also a point when you might want to reevaluate just seeing supermodels and maybe consider different life choices. And at that point, this “never getting married speech” is going to seem incredibly stupid.
I’m not saying you need to get married. But I’m saying, stop ruling the possibliy out in public, buddy. Partly because you might legitimately have a change of heart. And partly because sometime, not that far away, now, it is going to make you look like the crazy guy at the bar – because not everyone will want to marry you.
So, good night, and good luck.