Dads in Christmas movies are many things: some are distant, some are over-involved. Some are grinches, and others are completely obsessed with the holiday season. Some are total hotties I could easily picture dating, and some are… Not.
Today on the Gloss, I’m going to rank five Christmas movie dads in order of least to most dateable. Bringing up the rear on our list is…
5. Howard Langston, Jingle All The Way (1996)
Howard Langston (played by none other than Arnold Schwarzenegger) is the type of guy who lets you down all of the time and then tries to buy back your affection with a bunch of shit you don’t need. This is the man J-Lo warned us all about nearly 15 years ago in “Love Don’t Cost A Thing“. Oh, and I think it’s important to note that reindeer don’t like Howard, which is probably a surefire sign that he’s not to be trusted, right?
4. The Old Man, A Christmas Story (1983)
The Old Man (played by Darren McGavin) is a product of his generation, and therefore he holds some pretty archaic beliefs about a “woman’s role.” He’d definitely expect you to stay at home to raise the kids, and he’d also expect dinner on the table at 6 p.m. every night. The Old Man swears in front of small children a lot, which isn’t an ideal quality in a partner. Oh, and his taste in home decor leaves much to be desired.
3. Scott Calvin, The Santa Clause (1994)
OK, so Scott Calvin (played by Tim Allen) killed Santa Claus. Even though it was a total accident, it’s still an enormous strike against him in terms of dateability. On the plus side, Scott then becomes Santa, which is awesome, particularly if you have a thing for chubby older men with beards (I do). Other pluses: Scott is a good dad, and if the two of you got serious, you’d get to live in the North Pole.
2. George Bailey, It’s A Wonderful Life (1946)
George Bailey (played by the legendary James Stewart) may have been cursed with some pretty bad luck, but he was blessed with a pretty great face. He was also blessed with a generous spirit and an unwavering desire to always do the right thing. In a moment of sheer desperation, George almost takes his own life, but even that was a seriously misguided attempt at helping his family. George also winds up being the glue that keeps the town of Bedford Falls together, which speaks a lot to his character. To summarize: bad luck, great face, generous, do-gooder, hero of an entire city… I mean, you could do far worse.
1. Clark Griswold, National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation (1989)
OK, so the man goes completely insane trying to give his family the best Christmas ever. Is that such a bad thing? At least you’d know that he’d always put a ton of effort into your dates! Clark (played by Chevy Chase) is also a devoted husband and a loving father. He puts up with his wife’s mega embarrassing family members—remember when cousin Eddie emptied his RV’s “shitter” in front of the Griswold home?—and he buys gifts for his niece and nephew, who otherwise would have had a very sad Christmas. If you’re the type who likes your men on the tall side (and I am), you’ll be happy to learn that Chevy Chase stands a towering 6 foot 4 inches. It also doesn’t hurt that he was a total dreamboat back in 1989. Doesn’t hurt at all.