breast cancer

If you were thinking about donating to a breast cancer charity this month but were very concerned that a simple donation wouldn’t benefit you sexually, you might considering offering women money for dull foreplay in exchange for your donation. The breast cancer trailblazers over at Simple Pickup (a YouTube channel primarily concerned with gettin’ ladies) devised an inventive way to make charity less charitable: they went up to random women and asked them if they could “motorboat” them (you know, stick their faces in a pair of boobs and then simulate a seizure) and promised to donate $20 for every pair of boobs they got up on.

Fair warning: for some reason, my coworkers and I couldn’t even get through the whole video. Maybe it’s because “motorboating” is the most awkward thing in history. I’d literally rather watch an anal fisting tutorial, which I’m assuming Simple Pickup will supply for prostate cancer awareness.

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They ended up raising $2,080, and plan to add $100 to the donation for ever 100,000 views of the cringe-worthy video. Good for them.

Except not, because this straight up sucks. This is awful. It’s not playful or funny, it’s stupid. Turning breast cancer awareness into a jerk off fuck fest is counterproductive and degrading to people experiencing breast cancer. Are we so titty-obsessed that we can even sexualize cancer? It’s CANCER. Most campaigns for breast cancer awareness play on our titillation (Save The Boobies, making everything ever the color pink comes to mind), instead of portraying it as a real disease with frequently devastating consequences. Furthermore, this perpetuates the idea that women are just an amalgam of sex parts, some of which can get cancer. Breast cancer isn’t really even about breasts. A woman gets cancer. Not her desirable fun bags.

This is so blatantly gendered; nobody goes around being like “hey, lemme fondle some testicles or get in there with a prostate. High five, dudebro!” I’m all for creative approaches to fundraising and increasing awareness, but this didn’t do much of either. I’m not sure that a paltry two grand will do much, and I mostly feel like Simple Pickup’s awareness was increased, not breast cancer’s. At least those bros had fun getting semis around healthy, perky, idealized breasts. I bet when they shoved their faces in there, they even forgot that breast cancer was a thing! Way to go—I wish we could all live in your world of boob surfing and no cancer, ever! I think I just got hard.

Photo: Shutterstock // via Gawker