The conversation went like this:
“You’ve squirted, right?” he asked.
“Um, no,” I answered.
“So, you’ve never met anyone who could make you squirt? Because all women can.”
“Um, no!” I exclaimed. “I’m from New England! We don’t squirt! We are not squirters!”
“Actually, most women squirt,” he insisted.
“Yeah, most people eat seafood, but it doesn’t mean they’ve ever tasted a lobster from Maine,” was my oh-so coherent and completely relevant response.
“How does that make sense?” he asked.
“I’m not a squirter, so I don’t know.”
It was in that moment that I quickly flashed back to every single one of my sexual encounters. What else do New Englanders do or not do? If we’re not squirting, which is apparently normal outside of our world, what are we doing or not doing that we should fix? Are we not giving enough head? Should I go to church for every time I put a cock in my mouth? Every time I let a fella see me naked? I LOST MY VIRGINITY BEFORE MARRIAGE! My god, in whom I don’t believe, am I going to hell? Probably.
Do you fuck like a WASP? Here’s how you can tell.