After you enjoy this crazy ad, let’s share stories about the holiday gift we desire like the sparkle crazed magpies we are.

You know, there’s a part in Gulliver’s Travels, towards the end, where Gulliver washes up onto an island of primitive people called “Yahoos”. He knows they’re primitive because they love being naked and digging around for shiny gems. They’re just finding diamonds left and right on that island. So Gulliver decides he hates them and goes off with the Houyhnhnms, a society of rational talking horses. It’s the section of the book that critiques consumerism.

This isn’t what I’d write if had to write a piece on Gullivers Travels, but how fun do the Yahoos sound? Wow, does Gulliver ever suck, or what?

Gulliver is legitimately awful. I don’t think that’s even in question. Every part of the book is just Gulliver meeting cool people and making bad choices. The Struldbrugs are the best part of that book, but the Yahoos are a close second.

Horses are prey animals. They probably can’t even see cool stuff like diamonds with their eyes all stuck on the sides of their heads like that. They WISH they could be naked and digging. But they can’t. Because their eyes are dumb and they don’t even have opposable thumbs.

So, yeah, I feel like jewelry is generally a nice option.

Not for me, though. I’m not that into jewelry. I just respect that it is human nature to like it, insofar as proximity to it makes people want to be naked.

What I’m saying is that, for Christmas, I would like to go on a naked diamond-digging expedition, and I would like a horse that talks so I could make it feel lame about itself.

I probably would not like spoons, unless they were for digging.

What about you?