“Picture this, babe: you and I pretend to get engaged. It drums up all kinds of publicity for the Playboy brand, my Twitter account, your Twitter account, Holly Madison’s Twitter account (and floundering reality show), and your impending cover shoot. We plan the wedding for the same weekend that your shoot hits the stands. And then, just days before the supposed nuptials, you run away! See, sweetheart, I’ve already printed up the stickers that we’ll put on the magazine: they say, ‘Runaway Bride Inside!’

Trust me, Crsytal, this will be the best-selling issue of Playboy in years.”