batman begins

We’re big into celebrity birthdays this week, and in order to celebrate Christian Bale‘s 40th birthday, we decided to play Marry, Fuck, Kill between three of his sexiest roles: Bruce Wayne, Patrick Bateman, and Theodore “Laurie” Laurence.

The players include me and Blisstree editor/Gloss contributor Joanna Rafael, who hashed things out over an interoffice Skype session yesterday afternoon. Here’s our conversation, with humiliating typos/misspelled words removed.

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Julia: Shall we start with marry?
Joanna: Seems like a good place.
Julia: I would marry Bruce Wayne.
Joanna: I would marry Laurie Laurence. In ya face, Jo March. There’s a new Jo in his life. You snooze, you lose.
Julia: Oh my god you just ripped Winona a new one.
Joanna: Also, I get Batman’s appeal, but it would be SO dangerous.
Julia: I know, it would not be a comfortable life.
Joanna: You’d definitely get kidnapped.
Julia: It would always be exciting! And he could make me breakfast while narrating his cooking actions in that deep voice of his. And we could drive our kids to school in a Batmobile.
Joanna: Doesn’t he only do the deep voice AS Batman?
Julia: Yes, good call. As Batman AND in the marital bed.
Joanna: The Batmobile is RAD. That’s a sweet ride, and no one can deny it. I’d be very worried about you, but excited about all the fancy galas at your house and you wouldn’t have to deal with in laws.
Julia: Our kid would never get bullied. I mean, think of my spawn. They will be easy targets.
Joanna: Tour kids would be targets to serious bullies. Not teasing or lunch money taking but like K&R shit.
Julia: Yeah, that’s true, but I feel like that’s a risk of modern day parenting. Come on, we both watch so much SVU. We know what the world is like.
Joanna: Well, Laurie and I will just be defying gendered expectations and wearing fun collars
Julia: Did you pick Laurie out of love or to spite Jo March?
Joanna: Both.
Julia: You both do have that collar game.
Joanna: We’d definitely get along. Also: IN YA FACE JO MARCH

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Joanna: I’d get down with your husband, the Batman.
Julia: This is wild because I wanna do your man Laurie.
Joanna: We can be swingers! And have fun parties!
Julia: We always have had such overlapping interests. What do you think those galas are? This worked out great.
Joanna: Yes it did!
Julia: I wanna do Laurie because I bet that long haired little elf is crazy in bed. Also, egalitarian.
Joanna: I just want to do it in the Batmobile. Also, I get to wear the cape.
Julia: The Batmobile would be great for sex.
Joanna: Laurie probably would be verrrry giving in the bedroom.
Julia: Hey wait doesn’t Laurie have a carriage? I’d do things in there for sure.
Joanna: Carriage sex is supposed to be bonkers.

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Joanna: I’m glad we’re murdering the same dude: Patrick Bateman.
Julia: Yeah, I love teaming up with you for hijinks so this is a good fit.
Joanna: Maybe we could do it before our husband swap.
Julia: Yeah! Celebrate with husband swap.
Joanna: Patty’s misogyny and violent impulses aside, I’m just uncomfortable with his beauty routine.
Joanna: it’s a little intense
Julia: I want to kill the killer. Plus, the world doesn’t need that vanity.
Joanna: We could poison his face masks or drop a kettle bell on his head
Julia: We could inject him with too much Botox. He has too many weaknesses. Anthrax on business card samples
Joanna: He’s pathetic and I want him dead
Julia: He doesn’t deserve to live in our world with our husbands Bruce Wayne and Laurie
Joanna: Patrick Bateman is just a shitty version of Scott Disick.
Julia: Now, give us Scott Disick, that’d be a different FMK entirely. He wins both fuck and marry. Fuck/marry Scott Disick, kill everyone else.
Joanna: I want to kill Scott Disick with sex and affection.

And there you have it. Scott Disick forever.

Photos: Batman Begins, American Psycho, Little Women