It was bound to happen. There’s only so many magazines you can print with seemingly “all new” sex advice over the years, until finally, one day, you simply run out of things to say.

And that, friends, is when the magic happens.

Because that’s when you start seeing sex in everything — “How to Fuck Inside a Coffee Mug.” “Make Sex Better Using Only a Picture Frame.” “Snag Him During a The Birth of His Child.”

Are these made up? Yes. But they are not so very far off from Cosmo’s current website suggestion: seducing yo’ man via the application of mascara:

Swipe the wand dramatically through your lashes a few times (resist layering too much). Channel Marilyn Monroe, and flutter them a bit before you look up at him.

This, friends, is what magical surrealism looks like, in which everyday things take on magical qualities and inanimate objects come to life. OF COURSE that mascara is imbued with the power of seduction…(just go with it).

What I particularly love about that is that they were able to slip a beauty tip in there as well: “resist layering too much!” Just because you’ve resorted to seducing your man at every waking second, and during everything you do, doesn’t give you permission to forget what you know about looking good!

Anyway, yes — Cosmo has finally gone off the deep end. In their next issue I trust we will begin to read about powder that’s been passed on from generation to generation and gives it’s user a literal fountain of youth.