I always want to stay current on the ways that glossy women’s magazines are working hard to make women feel inadequate keep us informed about the pressing issues of the day, like the 395th sex position that you need to try lest your man cheat on you out of sheer, mind-numbing boredom.

So imagine my surprise when I clicked over to Cosmo and found the following headline:

15 Things To Do With A Naked Woman

Has Cosmo decided to become the first magazine to openly acknowledge that sometimes, women have sex with each other? I wondered. I opened the link, hoping against hope to see two lovely ladies about to perform coitus with, and upon, one another.

Instead, I found a stock photo of two young, attractive white people, a woman and a man, a variation of which always accompanies sex articles in lady mags. So no, Cosmo is not leading the charge in LGBT representation in mainstream magazines; rather, this is one of those stories that you’re supposed to casually leave lying around for your man to see, so he’ll read it and know how to please you, and also be reminded of how incredibly frisky you are compared to his friend’s girlfriends and wives who make them talk about things.

The only problem here — and it’s a small problem, to be sure — is that the notion that your man will read a magazine article that you casually leave lying around for him is a complete fucking fantasy. You know what will happen if you try it? He will toss it off the couch because it’s in his way when he wants to watch basketball playoffs.

And that’s because leaving subtle hints to plant seeds in the minds of men (or anybody, for that matter) — toothbrushes, magazine articles about sex, pictures of engagement rings — is not only laughably ineffective, it leaves out the one thing that might actually communicate a point in a relationship: talking.

Unfortunately for the world, though, lady mags will never admit that you don’t need manipulative tricks to get your way, because then they’d have to shut their doors permanently, as they’d dispensed the one piece of advice that actually works, rendering their services moot from that point on.

Don’t drink the kool-aid, ladies, and please don’t be that irritating girl that leaves magazines lying around open for her partner to read. You’re better than that.