A lady – who wants you to know her man-friend does not have a small package – is slipping a donut around his penis and eating it off, all for Cosmopolitan. How did it go?

I broke the donette in half and holding it around the base of the penis. I alternated licking the dessert and D. Then I took a bite of the doughnut and D.’s whole body went tense. Had the doughnut been bigger, I think he would have felt more comfortable, but he didn’t seem to enjoy seeing my teeth so close to his member.

Okay. 10 points if you can figure out why.

IT’S BECAUSE YOU WERE EATING A DONUT OFF HIS PENIS.

Look, here are TheGloss, we believe that there are places for eating donuts. Off of plates at donut pubs or restaurants. Sometimes out of brown paper bags on the subway. But we rarely opt for nibbling around a man’s most sensitive area when eating them because that never seems necessary when there are so many other eating places available. I suppose we could eat around a man’s penis, but only if it was some sort of weird Saw type challenge, as this doesn’t sound fun for 1) the lady eating the donut or 2) the man who almost had his penis munched on.

Please tell me that at least one of you has done this and can describe the experience in chilling detail.