she is not a fan of awkward okcupid messages

The Cut sat down with four of the most popular people on all of OkCupid– for real– and asked them to share their tips for online dating success. The article is long (and contains quite a few self-indulgent, irritating quotes, as one might imagine), so we took it upon ourselves to sort out only the most helpful bits of advice! Here are sixteen tips for successful dating, according to four app-savvy New Yorkers.

First, there’s 23-year-old straight chick Lauren Urasek, whose flattering photos of her body– and her tattoos– have made her an OkCupid celeb. Lauren’s advice is both interesting and oxymoronic:

1. Always include a head-to-toe shot in your dating profile, but according to Lauren, “you don’t need to have your ass hanging out.”

2. Like Lauren, reference NASA whenever possible to prove that you’re smart enough to have romantic relationships. She said it best: “I feel like I’m intelligent and people think I look good, so I guess it’s as simple as that?”

3. Say that you’re interested in casual sex so that more people will pursue you, but don’t give off the wrong idea. Like Lauren says, “It’s like, I’m not a prostitute.”

4. But don’t say you’re interested in casual sex (even if you are) if you’re trying to find long-term partners.

Then there’s the straight guy– 29-year-old James Hawver, whose profile boasts that “Ryan Gosling could play my stunt double. That is, if I didn’t already do my own stunts.” Just from reading a few short paragraphs about James, I can say with total confidence that I effing despise him…. but if you must know, here’s his online dating advice:

5. Lie about your height. “They say most guys add two inches,” he says. Okay.

6. Say that you’re interested in absolutely every person you see on OkCupid or Tinder so that there’s no chance you can be rejected by somebody you think is hot. “I will say yes to every single person,” James bravely confesses.

7. Send out the same generic and vaguely patronizing message to every single person, indiscriminately. James even shares with us his exact formula: “Hey there Miss Hayley. What kind of trouble did you get into this weekend? :)” Swoon.

8. Describe yourself as a “romantic” while you copy and paste your pick-up line to 160 different people.

Next, meet Kerry Campbell, the 26-year-old gay woman champion of OKC. Her advice isn’t exactly earth-shattering, but it’s a lot more bearable than James’:

9. Talk about how much you love Orange Is the New Black and the ladies will come running.

10. Don’t alter your profile to make it seem like you’re something you’re not.

And finally, Thomas McKee represents the gay men of OkCupid, and he gives us these little bits of wisdom:

11. Describe yourself as a “chesty nugget with a great head of hair.” For real.

12. Own up to who you really are and what you really look like. If you don’t mention the thing you’re insecure about (in Thomas’ case, his height) on your profile, people will notice it even harder.

13. Think of your online profile as your “personal brand.”

14. Don’t go overboard on the text, since “we live in a 140-character world.”

15. Pose next to Tyra Banks for one of your profile pictures. According to Thomas, “Gay guys love Tyra Banks.”

16. It helps if you make yourself seem “exclusive.” Don’t pull a James and message just anybody. Thomas likes to rate people highly and then not respond to their messages. Okay.

Via The Cut / Photo: Shutterstock