patrick bateman

I just thought I would pose this to everyone as a fun question, because I’m sure it’s something we’ve all considered. Sometimes, when you are going home with someone for the first time, do you think to yourself “this person is maybe an axe murderer. Like, a fifty percent chance. Insofar as they either are or are not. How will I prevent this?”

I found this guide for telling whether or not someone who is in your book club is a serial killer pretty helpful, with suggestions like:

Does he contribute to the Water for Elephants discussion by telling anecdotes about torturing animals as a child?

Do his digressions reveal key plot twists from Homeland?

Could you tell he was only pretending to be moved by Der Tod in Venedig?

Does it seem like he’s always man-splaining Sheila?

Is he frequently bored by the club’s selected books despite their lush settings, epic scope, emotional complexity, passionate love affairs, and gorgeously wrought prose?

So, every member of my book club is a serial killer. I think a good plan for the future would be to invite people join my book club, and then assess the extent to which they are serial killers. Maybe by only hosting meetings about Water for Elephants.

Following that, I will continue to make pointed eye contact with anyone we pass on he way to their apartment and wear something striking in the hopes that someone, anyone, will remember me.

Seriously, everyone thinks about this, yes?