Hey there, cutie! Wanna make out?

On Wednesdays, Amanda Chatel will be sharing stories about her strange, fascinating and sometimes wonderful dating life. If it makes you want to date, check out TheGloss dating page.

With Thanksgiving tomorrow, how can we not cover some food/teeth/toothbrush-related dates? It would be a severe injustice not to do so! I also may want to inflict some of these images onto your brain so I won’t be alone tomorrow afternoon when I conjure them back up mid-turkey bite.

Since you guys, our amazing readers, are continuing to drown my inbox with your horror stories (I actually got a couples of positive ones, but am saving those), I’m going to keep on posting your tales until I’ve run the well dry. It will also keep me out of my own awkward dating situations for awhile, and at the end of the day it all comes down to me, myself and I. I kid! No, really I do. Maybe.

The first story comes from Maggie who, although not having ridiculous dating stories of her own, decided to share one from her mother’s experience in the online dating world. As we’ve seen before, there seems to be no end to the lying that goes on in online dating profiles and this one definitely teaches us more than one lesson.

A few months into Mom’s online adventures, a man she had been messaging for a few weeks called her out of nowhere to say he was in town, and wanted to meet. Before we go any further, I have to tell a bit about my Mother. She is, all bias aside (well, maybe not ALL bias), incredibly intelligent, well-educated, and gorgeous. Despite being in the second half of her fifties, she looks at least ten years younger, and is outgoing and active. So anyway, Mom agreed to meet up with “G” (“G” stands for geezer, ’cause he was fucking old), for the first time for coffee.

When she got there, it was a disaster. G’s online profile picture must have been at least 15 years old, because this guy looked to be in his late sixties. Not only that, but he had apparently lied to her about all of his “interests.” She tried to discuss books; he said he didn’t read. She tried to discuss music; he said he only listened to AM radio. Basically, they had nothing in common. My Mother, being the nice person she is, invited him to her house for dinner that night, since he had driven about three hours to get there.

Before dinner, they were watching a “Riverdance” TV special. I don’t know if Irish dance is as big in the States as it is in Canada, but a lot of East Coast Canadians go ape-shit for it. (Chatel note: “We do! But apparently, we’re not as obsessed here in the States.”) My Mom kept trying to make conversation, until G started shushing her. Any time she would try and speak during a performance, and keep in mind they were in her living room, G would shush her and say he really wanted to watch it “without distractions.”

Finally, when dinner was ready, the best part of this story happened: Before they sat down to eat, G excused himself to the washroom, and came back to the table… WITH NO TEETH. That’s right. This man, whose online dating profile said he was in his “mid-fifties,” took out his false teeth before having dinner with a woman he had just met. He then proceeded to complain that her food was “too chewy.”

My Mom said that all she could do was keep her head down and try not to think of his bald gums while eating. After dinner, and after he had put his teeth back in, my Mom made an excuse to get him to leave. He harassed her with phone calls and e-mails for the next week, until finally she told him that they had no chemistry (read: he’s an old, toothless liar). G’s response? He sent her a copy of the book Chemistry for Dummies. Needless to say, after that my Mother was a little more careful with which online personalities she decided to meet in person.

How much do you want to still be doing the online dating thing in your older years now? Although I guess some people might be into bald gums. It does take all kinds. Or so my own mother tells me.

In keeping with the online theme, Lisa also had her own teeth-related dating dilemma. Not only that, but this guy may or may not be a homophobe, and a stalker in training. Basically, he’s a catch and Lisa missed out.

I met this guy through OkCupid (I have long since determined that this website was not working for me and am taking a hiatus from dating in general). Online, things were progressing well; we were both nerdy and having interesting conversations. So I agreed to meet up with him at the North Market, which is this wonderful local fresh foods shopping area in Columbus. This would be perfect: I’ve never been there and he had so he could show me around. And then, if we got bored of food, we could explore the little shops surrounding the market.

Things went downhill almost immediately upon arrival.

I find him, and we go inside to look around. Again, I don’t know where I’m going; he supposedly does. I’m walking around, looking at everything, and am essentially asking him to show me around; he tells me that he’s following my lead. Great, so it’s the blind leading, and the leader happens to be staring at me every time I turn around. We do a quick walk through so I can get the lay of the land, and I give up on the hope that he’s going to be useful. The gay pride parade happens to be going on that day, so I suggest that we walk the block over and go watch it. Again, he says he’ll follow me, and off we go.

We manage to catch the beginning of the parade, with all of the corporate sponsors, the city hoopla, members of the military who are out, and the college marching bands. But my date was very clearly uncomfortable with the whole thing, despite the fact that the parade was currently very tame. He told me that it was the noise that was bothering him, and suggested instead that we walk over to the statehouse and look around there. I declined, all the time thinking that he’s A) possibly homophobic, which is not a good sign at all and, B) he’s an idiot, as we’d have to walk past the entire parade (including the parts that were yet to arrive) in order to get to the statehouse. If he was truly concerned about the noise levels, the direction he wanted to head was not going to help matters at all.

We go back to the market to grab some lunch. Upon sitting down to eat, I learned how truly odd my date was. He informed me that he only ate fruit and the occasional piece of fish.

We move onto a safer topic-my senior thesis. After I finish explaining the premise of it, he politely nods, and then proceeds to WHIP OUT A TOOTHBRUSH AND TOOTHPASTE from his pocket. I stare at him, and he excuses himself to the bathroom so he can brush his teeth. All I could think while he was gone was, “Did that really just happen? Why didn’t he just excuse himself? I didn’t need to know that he was going to brush his teeth. *I* don’t whip out a tampon when I’m talking with someone and say, excuse me, I need to go change my tampon. I just excuse myself to the bathroom like a normal person and go from there. What is happening here?”

Thankfully, he had to get to work shortly afterward, so I thanked him for his time, and we parted ways, in my mind permanently.

Apparently however, God or whatever divine forces at play have a twisted sense of humor, as the guy called me the very next day (Sunday afternoon), leaving me a voice mail saying that he had a good time, and that, oh, by the way, he was deleting his OkCupid account. Fine, this was a phone call that I had to return, as he is owed simple courtesy based on the fact that he is harmless and a human being. I would call him when I got off work on Monday, as it was beyond my normal calling hours.

However, before I got the chance to call him Monday evening, he called me again, basically reiterating his last voice mail. At this point I’m getting pissed off. I met you Saturday, you called me Sunday and you know I work weird hours, give me a chance to respond before calling me again.

I called him after work, essentially trying to say thanks but no thanks. He proceeded to ask me why. (If anyone has any advice on how to respond to that question without being a jerk, please let me know. I hate that question.) I said something about how I could tell that there would be personality conflicts on my end (which is true, eventually I would have said something less than nice to him based on what he would be saying), and that I just didn’t click with him. He then asked me how I could tell that from one meeting. I stuck to my guns, and prior to hanging up, was informed that if I ever changed my mind, I had his number. It’s safe to say that I haven’t changed my mind and that I lost his number.

Losing numbers seems to be a trend in these stories, as does completely clueless fellas when it comes to feeling chemistry. But at least in Lisa’s case we know the guy was into oral health and that’s important if one wants to avoid “G” status in their later years. See? A theme and a lesson in this post!

As I said, my inbox has pretty much become a party of dating stories, but there’s room for more — many more. If you want to join in sharing your tales, email me: chatel.amanda@gmail.com. I’m really nice via email; I swear. Also internet high-five to commenter Fabel who took me up on my request for cupcake porn last week. She was kind enough to email me a photo of her baking skills and I love her for it. It’s the little things.