DATING HIJINKSAs much as it breaks my heart, Dating Hijinks will no longer be after today. We had a good run, and it was fun, but its ship has sailed and that’s just how life goes.

However, before we say our official adieu, we have one final tale from Alison C. regarding something called a “Nathan latte,” all thanks to one particular online dating service. It’s a good one, and I know you’ll enjoy this latte, er, story.

Last year I delved a little bit into online dating. I’ve always been a skeptic when it comes to relationships formed via the internet that don’t result in packages at the door/Facebook friends/porn. However, earlier that year I’d been to a wedding where the happy couple had met online. I was bombarded with tons of success stories about online dating at said wedding; so against my better judgment I signed up for a trial month on one of the more well-known sites.

I knew that I would never use this site as a primary form of meeting people, but it was more of a social experiment. It seemed innocent enough at first, kind of like online shopping for a mate. I started to see the fun in it and it was something of an ego boost. Then the messages started rolling in. They all varied in normalcy but then I was presented with a masterpiece. It was from a chap named Nathan. It reads as follows:

“Chocolate Latte
hello gorgeous. you seem to be the kind of woman who isn’t afraid to try new things. So can I interest you in trying a new kind of drink? Its called a NATHAN latte, and its good. Its GENUIENE and warm. Once it touches your lips, it will put a SMILE on your face. it has a real ROMANTIC feel to it. You will tell all your friends what a WONDERFUL latte you have found, and it will be all yours. Some possible side effects of this drink are extreme laughter, great times, and happiness. So I ask u to take those beautiful eyes of yours and check out my menu. i am CONFIDENT you will eventually fall in LOVE with this latte. Order when you’re ready…..

On the light side: I have to at least give the guy credit and not be a total hater. I have never received an email like that before. He committed to his coffee metaphor, and obviously went for a visual appeal of all of his CHARACTERISTICS. (Which I’ve also never seen before, so there are some more points scored for using optical cues.)

On the dark side: It may be possible that Nathan is a sufferer of dissociative identity disorder and this poor bastard has actually assumed the persona of a chocolate latte. It is also possible, as he did not address anything specific to me in the note, that my barista/suitor has served up his latte to other ladies. And how many others??

After the purchased session on the dating site expired I decided not to renew. I know it works for some people, but it’s just not for me. And also with the latte email I received some even more unsavory ones.

There is a distinct possibility that my experience was unique, and perhaps it was me not taking my search online seriously. I wouldn’t want anyone to be deterred in trying out their luck via the interwebs. Just be prepared for all the walks of life that you will encounter.

So to conclude, I will answer the question that is probably plaguing you: no I was never ready to order a Nathan latte.

And that’s where our Dating Hijinks series takes its leave, folks.