Photo: David Livingston/Getty Images

Photo: David Livingston/Getty Images

Remember the famous advice column “Dear Abby”? Well, Ms. Abigail Van Buren (real name Jeanne Phillips) just served up a batch of words to the wise for the entire country after a homophobic couple known as “Unhappy In Tampa” all but got on their knees and begged her to tell them they’re right for being total jerks. An excerpt of their letter:

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I relocated to Florida a little over a year ago and were quickly welcomed into our new neighbors’ social whirl. Two couples in the neighborhood are gay … While they are nice enough, my husband and I did not include them when it was our turn to host because we do not approve of their lifestyle choices. Since then, we have been excluded from neighborhood gatherings, and someone even suggested that we are bigots!

Apparently, the couple “moved here from a conservative community” where everybody’s basically the same, so “if people were ‘different,’ they apparently kept it to themselves.” You know, because being gay–or “different”–is something everybody needs to hide or else the children will wind up gay and the teachers will teach gay stuff and the inanimate objects will all start boning each other because they’ll come alive. This is what happens when people are allowed to be gay.

The woman signs off like this:

But really, who is the true bigot here? Would you like to weigh in? — UNHAPPY IN TAMPA

What did she think Abby was going to say? “Well, when you think about it, the true bigots here are those pesky gay people who keep insisting on being treated like humans! Run ’em over, that’ll teach them to let you exclude them properly!” Uh, no. Instead, Abby responded beautifully.

First, she explained that being gay is not a choice nor a lifestyle, which is something homophobic idiots never seem to comprehend fully. More info on this can be found in the Human Beings 101 textbook you were all given at birth. Moving on.

From there, Abby quickly and deftly eviscerates the woman’s pseudo-victim notions:

I find it interesting that you are unwilling to reciprocate the hospitality of people who welcomed you and opened their homes to you, and yet you complain because you are receiving similar treatment.

From where I sit, you may have chosen the wrong place to live because it appears you would be happier in a less integrated neighborhood surrounded by people who think the way you do. But if you interact only with people like yourselves, you will have missed a chance for growth, which is what you have been offered here. Please don’t blow it.

You win, Abby. You win all the medals.

It always fascinates me just how many people refuse to accept that gay people exist. By ‘fascinates,’ I mean ‘depresses,’ of course, but homophobia is nevertheless a consistently shocking feat of idiocy that some humans manage to achieve. That in itself is fascinating in the same way dandruff and foodborne illnesses are: they’re disgusting and awful, sure, but we need to understand them or we’ll never be rid of their effects. So, happy Thursday, Unhappy In Tampa! You’re the world’s flaky vomit.

P.S. If you would like to see the fun little chat going on on our Facebook about this topic, check it out here.