We replicated Karl Lagerfeld and have his clone locked in the basement with only one valet. We can’t guarantee that this is exactly what the first Karl would advise, but we think it comes fairly close. Feel free to direct any romantic quandaries to Jennifer[at]thegloss.com or Ashley[at]thegloss.com. Each week, the Kaiser will tackle a new question submitted by you.

And so:


Dear Kaiser,

I love my boyfriend but we’re at the point where we don’t really go out much anymore. Most nights, we just stay in and watch re-runs of How I Met Your Mother over Chinese delivery. I’ve put on a couple of pounds but my boyfriend has gained over fifteen. I don’t know how to tell him without hurting his feelings that I’ve become less attracted to him. What should I do?

Terrorized By Takeout, Chicago



Vat is zhis takeout? Is zhis food zhat is made for you? In an atelier? For Fall 2011, everyone vill be dining in Latvian restaurants. Zhat is a trend zhat I have made. Just now. But I do not know zhis phrase “takeout.” I vill speak vith my valet.

…My valet tells me zhat zhis new lifestyle you have adopted is practical, beyond practical even. It is also an abomination. It is not luxury to eat ze noodles as you lie back like some sort of fat ingesting pig, vith your mouth open hungrily for more of ze noodles. How will you fit into clothes eating like zhis? Clothes come only in size zero (for vomen) and other sizes (for pigs). You type to me, you write ze letters, you ask for ze advice, and I cannot help but zsink you want to be ze woman and not ze pig. Vhat appalls me is zhat you say “couple of pounds” vith ze insouciance like zhis is not an outrage.

Perhaps it sounds like you have mistakenly concerned yourself vith your boyfriend, but you do not zeem to understand zhat ze real problem obviously lies vith you. Your boyfriend can be almost any size (namely, even 2) so you should not concern yourselv vith his eating. He may put on more muscles even. Ze male figure can actually have calories, occasionally, vithout being disgusting or losing its humanity beneath ze fat. So again, it is clear ze problem in your relationship is you have become distracted by your “takeout foods” and have convinced yourself zhat ze pwoblem is vith ze man. You are missing ze forest zhrough ze noodles.

My advice is to be free. Hands free. Do you understand? Hands free. Always looking forward. You must not alvays be looking at ze figure. Stop eating immediately and perhaps go into a child’s store and buy a nice suit of tweed or perhaps a hand-beaded evening gown for ze children and lie in bed and do not eat until you can fit in ze child’s clothes. Zhat is vhat I suggest.