We replicated Karl Lagerfeld and have his clone locked in the basement with only one valet. We can’t guarantee that this is exactly what the first Karl would advise, but we think it comes fairly close. Feel free to direct any romantic quandaries to Jennifer[at]thegloss.com or Ashley[at]thegloss.com. Each week, the Kaiser will tackle a new question submitted by you.

And so:

Dear Karl,

I have no romantic life to speak of, and, as such, spent my weekend watching Under The Tuscan Sun starring Diane Lane. Halfway into the third viewing I thought “maybe I should move to Italy. Maybe I should just fucking move to Italy. It looks like a land of romance, a land of promise.” What do you think of the Italians?

I-Curious, Manhattan



Zere are not so many good szings about ze Italians, to be nice. You must never say zhat because they are Italians zey have… some kind of luxury. Ze minute you szink ze Italians are better, are good… yourself becomes Italian. You have to be interested in szings other zan prints–it is always print, prints, prints–you must have always the eyes open, you must never zink that Donatella or Roberto or Gucci or Milan “is” fashion. Perhaps zey have… a kind of glamor, perhaps even what you’d call a vulgarity.

You have to be like something… yourself has to be a peacock… with Italy. The quality is different, the quality is a copy. It is up to yourself to find a decent expression and something other zan zat. To be “Italian” is to be like, ah, like ze exotic bird full of, of spaghetti. It is very dangerous to zink you are anything but a vulgarity. I am very much against szings like vulgarity, szings like the actress Diane Lane. She is a handsome woman, perhaps, but her neck is not long, her wrists are wide which you can see, she is… without elegance. I find ze film pedestrian.

My advice to you is perhaps you roast a rabbit. From a gift, you musn’t buy it. It is also very important not to eat ze rabbit, but you must regard it. You must have to… behold. Maybe you can eat a carrot? Have your servant bring you some Diet Coke, have him put some ice in it. Its cold will be like a quality to you.

But it is important to look at ze rabbit and szink about ze luxury of it, ze sensuality… of its flesh. Szink about zat zere is a kind of… mortality in it. Ze rabbit represents ze, what I mean to say, it is ze voluptuousness of death, of your death. It is very French, you know? Very Chanel to look ze rabbit and contemplate ze death or everyszink. Zese are not zings to szink about when you are Italian. Zis is why you must not be Italian.