We replicated Karl Lagerfeld and have his clone locked in the basement with only one valet. We can’t guarantee that this is exactly what the first Karl would advise, but we think it comes fairly close. Feel free to direct any romantic quandaries to Jennifer[at]thegloss.com or Ashley[at]thegloss.com. Each week, the Kaiser will tackle a new question submitted by you.

And so:


Dear Kaiser,

We asked some bro friends to tell us about the worst dates they ever experienced. Do you have any dating horror stories?

TheGloss staff


Fat Ordinary Girls:

Verst date ever? Date?

Ah, oui. I have participated on many, many, many terrible dates. Unforgettable dates. Vonce I attended ze Metropolitan Opera with a young American actress, an American, yes, I zhink she vas, and she vas to be my “date” as ve vere to valk down ze red carpet. Vhen ve got out of ze limo, I could see for ze first time zhat she was vearing open-toed heels, vhich is fine usually, I like a bit of fantasy and comedy, but she vas vearing zhem with… nylons. You could even see ze seam zhrough her shoes. I vas very disgusted to be seen and photographed vith her zhat evening. She vill never be given more Chanel, Fendi or namesake collection. She has not been given any since. She must buy, vhat is zhis phwase in English? Off the rack.

Anozher instance I attended an awards ceremony in Venice vith a vwery famous model at ze time. She was vwery polite and vwen my people explained to her zhat I vould not be speaking vith her at any point in ze evening, she vas vwery affable, quite obedient. The next day one of my valets, my Coca Cola butler I zhink it vas, showed me a picture of ze computer screen of myself and the model and I could see in ze lightning that her teeth appeared to be not quite white from vhere she stood beside myself. Needless to say, I have seen to it she has not verked again.

Ah, and another time a valet ventured to look me in the eyes. I ordered he be, vhat is the phrase? Beheaded? When I was told that you can not get away vith that kind of effective disciplinary action outside of Ibiza, I vas crestfellan for a time and then I simply had him sent to Ibiza. Now it is a very funny joke, ha ha! “We are going to send you to Ibiza!” ve say by which, of course, ve mean “Your head is to be removed!”

In a vay, I kind of like zhem, ze dates, to be terrible, because zhen zhey have a kind of mystery. An enigmatic quality.