First, let’s talk about HOW you can win a break-up.

1) You can seem more sane and reasonable and decent than your ex.

Did Bree Olson win on this point? Yes.

Okay, to be fair, it was really easy. My God, shockingly easy. I mean, obviously it helps if your ex is a full fledged lunatic who runs around talking about how he’s full of tiger blood and a totally bitchin’ rock star from Mars. Given that everyone knows that, stating in Playboy that:

“He’s intelligent, he’s charismatic, he’s superfunny,” says Bree. “And he’s good in bed!”

Well, that makes you sound like you’re the kind of person who really only speaks well of your exes, even though they are famously out of their minds. If I were a man I’d think “if that’s what she thinks about Charlie Sheen once they broke up, imagine what a golden God I will seem like.” As a woman, if you had to choose sides in the break-up, you’d obviously pick Bree, right?

So, yes, winning.

2) You can become more (financially) successful than they are.

Maybe you went ape-shit and showed up at your exes doorstep just to throw a martini in their face. Okay. That’s unfortunate. You can try to make up for your lapse in saneness and decency by kicking ass at other aspects of your life. Like your career! How does Bree compare to Charlie in this regard? Lets investigate.

Bree has appeared in 250 adult movies. According to Playboy: “Bree now has her own apartment in Los Angeles and has stopped making adult films. She wants to become a straight actress.”

Charlie Sheen is probably unemployable at this point, but he did make $1.8 million an episode in his TV series. And he starred in Wall Street and was in Being John Malkovitch and…  okay, basically Charlie Sheen’s bad day is still Bree Olson’s wildest dream.

Not winning. Yet.

Being really good at your job.

You know, there’s more to work that just money. There’s also the matter of how much you’re respected within the confines of your profession. According to our expert, Jamie Peck:

“I think you should know that Bree was very, very good at her former profession. There’s one video featuring her and Sasha Grey that I find particularly gripping. It’s a film about roommates. She really shines in it! That is my, um, professional judgment. I hope this information is useful to you.”

And she won an award! An award for good sex!

Meanwhile, when Charlie Sheen was let go from Two and a Half Men 71% of viewers had a negative opinion of him. Only 16% had a positive opinion.

Bree wins!

You can be the first to date seriously again/get married/become vampires with your new vampire boyfriend.

No word on whether or not Bree is seeing anyone. But she has a cat named Mr. Sniffles and loves Nabakov! And she’s on the cover of Playboy. I’m pretty sure she can round people up.

Charlie Sheen will probably always have a line-up of Goddesses.

While we like to believe Bree will date someone awesome, I guess Charlie Sheen wins this round.

So it’s a wash. But we’re pretty sure Bree will be full-on winning really, really soon. Tiger blood!