As I recall my break-up with my seventh grade boyfriend, he called me on the phone and said “so I think I need to date Julie. She’s my partner in science class” and I said “Oh, okay.” It was actually fine. I’d been waiting for a year to see if I could get him to kiss me, mostly by subtle ploys like wearing angora sweaters (Cosmo said it would work!) and it was starting to grate on my pre-pubescent ego. But I guess now kids are REALLY BAD at breaking up, and it’s all Mark Zuckerberg’s fault, and The New York Times is on it.

This is how they live now:

“Roberto, you’re really going to run all the way to your house after school to change your status?” a 16-year-old named Lazangie asked, shaking her head. She knows a thing or two about Facebook-related breakups: her last relationship ended, she said, because her ex-boyfriend couldn’t handle her male friends posting niceties on her wall.

“When I’m done with a relationship, I’m not going to wait a day, an hour or even 10 minutes to update my status,” Roberto told the group. “When it’s over, it’s over. I’m done with you.”

NEVER BE FRIENDS, KIDS. Staying “friends” is for lying losers! End it with anger! Then key her car after you’re done with her! Then reconcile! Don’t be afraid to live you’re life like you’re in a teen movie! You’re all vampires!

On that note, how did your early break-ups go? Well? Or were you just done with them? DONE WITH THEM?