kinkOur friends at TheFrisky spend quite a bit of time examining kinky sex and BDSM. At the helm of this discussion is resident kinkster Jessica Wakeman. Jessica, whom I’ve quoted before when it comes to disclosing your fetishes, especially in the online dating world, never shies away from what fulfills her sexually. She opens up about her experiences and shares each one with her readers.

Yesterday Jessica wrote “On Abuse Within Kink (Or This One Time Some Really Bad Stuff Happened To Me)” for TheFrisky‘s ongoing series “The Soapbox.” If you can’t tell from the title, it’s about an incident with a gentleman asshole she met online with whom she shared some sexual interests. When the date came to an end, Jessica ended up going home with him.

Over the course of the next few hours both consensual and nonconsensual things happened to Jessica. It seems that this gentleman asshole and she were clearly not on the same page, and lines were crossed.

Anyone who’s involved in the BDSM world will tell you that trust is paramount. While there is much sexual excitement in pushing the limits and maybe even crossing them to discover new avenues of what you like, trust is the most important part of the equation. Safe words exist for a reason, and safe words are to be heard and respected when they’re used. But this was not the case for Jessica when she used the decided-upon safe word:

“A safeword is supposed to be for when you’ve reached your limit,” he admonished me.

I wasn’t sure what he was saying.  ”I have reached my limit,” I told him. “That hurts. It doesn’t feel good anymore.”

“It’s not supposed to feel good,” he said. “You’re supposed to use the safeword when you can’t take the pain anymore, not just because you don’t want to.”

Despite this situation, Jessica admits in her essay that she stayed because she was unfamiliar with the neighborhood, and she wanted “penis and vagina sex.” (This confession, naturally, had her ripped apart in the comment section.) When it came to the actual penetration part of the evening the guy came inside her — something she did not want, of which she did not approve, and was merely based on his “assuming” that it was OK to do so. Jessica felt violated, because Jessica had been violated.

A taste for kinky sex does not mean violation; violation, unless consensual, goes against the rules of BDSM. Some of us love to be called “slut,” bent over the table, fucked in the ass, degraded, spanked, whipped, tied up and forced to beg to orgasm, but just because that’s what gets some people off, it doesn’t mean that a violation isn’t possible.

The comments on Jessica’s piece keep growing, and a lot of them are pretty victim-blaming. This one in particular stuck out: “Just because it didn’t go exactly the way she wanted it to doesn’t mean she was violated.”

Really? Isn’t that the definition of a violation?

Jessica, of course, had a response to such an ignorant comment: “This is an extremely disconcerting, even dangerous statement to me making with regards to consent.” Truth.

What it comes down to is that whenever something happens to you that you DON’T WANT, it is a violation. Jessica was violated. No matter what your sexual fetish, or your taste for the kinkiest of the kink, violation is possible and should be regarded as such and not dismissed just because a woman likes to be tossed around and called a “slut” in bed. I’d like to think that as women in the year 2013 we’d be aware of that, but sadly, it seems to be the women in the comment section of Jessica’s essay who are the least understanding of what it means to be truly violated.