photo: Neilson Barnard/Getty Images

photo: Neilson Barnard/Getty Images

Sex advice from people that are not your actual friends is notoriously bad. If we listened to all the advice in magazines and fratty blogs about how to please our partners, we’d still be tangled in our own undies, Brazilianed and bleached within an inch of our lives, and covered in Nutella. Probably in a bush, because public sex is still supposedly hot.

However, Dita Von Teese just did an interview (full video below) on sex and seduction, and I will do just about anything Dita Von Teese tells me to do. If she said she got her signature black finger waves by dunking her head in a champagne bucket of used motor oil, I would do it. But thankfully, her highness relies on totally normal things like lacy bras, confidence, and hot rollers. I have watched this video twice (so far) and taken careful notes. Basically, Dita gives you better advice in 2.5 minutes than most other celebrities combined.

Unrelated, the best (sort of) tip I ever got from a girlfriend was that anal sex feels like “when you really have to sneeze, and then you finally do.” Cool. Dita’s sage advice is a touch more elegant.

On knowing your assets.

“You want to be the girl that he’ll never forget… for good reasons.”

We can’t all be internationally renowned burlesque queens, but we all have a little special sauce. Max it out and show them something they haven’t seen before “in real life,” whether it’s corsetry, a manic pixie giggle, or your killer knowledge of Middle Eastern politics.

On lingerie…

“A maestra of seduction, someone that truly knows her craft, knows that everything has to look like you didn’t try… The lingerie is one of those things. That’s why you must wear it every day, and enjoy it, and wear things that fit you.”

HEAR ME OUT. Wearing matched, boned lingerie every day is a tall order. But the general idea is that you don’t want to hit it off at dinner, take your date home, and then have to press pause while you slip into something that makes you feel sexy, whether that’s fancy lingerie or simply undies you didn’t pull out of the Rite-Aid clearance bin because you ran out of time to do laundry. Make sexy a part of your life, not something special you have to plan and put on for a show.

“You didn’t put it on for him… you were already wearing it.”

The point of wearing lingerie all day (or lipstick, or a pixie cut, or whatever makes you feel hot) isn’t so you can please a man at a moment’s notice. The point is that by making yourself feel good every day, you radiate a confidence that’s much deeper than “I thought I might get laid tonight, so I put on my bonin’ panties.” And that makes you sexy.

You do you.

“If a guy wanted me to wear like, little bobby socks and a school girl uniform, I wouldn’t do it, because it doesn’t make me feel good.”

It’s easy to think that Dita Von Teese crafted a sexed up image to appeal to men, and that just doesn’t seem to be the case. She’s spoken of being a misfit in Texas for her retro beauty routine long before she became an icon. It doesn’t matter to her how many people think she looks sexy as a blonde, she rocks what she thinks is pretty and only sleeps with people who agree.

Part of Dita’s allure is that she is drop dead gorgeous, with conventional hot person assets like thick hair, flaweless skin, tailored dresses, and a covetable hourglass shape. But at least 75% is that she is supremely confident in what she wears and how she carries herself.

On bluffing.

“The girl he never forgets is sexually knowledgeable… read everything you can, even if you don’t want to do certain things.”

Maybe it’s not sexy that I think this is great advice primarily so that I never agree to weirdly named sex acts before knowing what they involve. But I guess the real point is that you can invoke an adventurous, carefree persona while still keeping a little mystery.

On sex appeal and having fun.

“If you ask a man when you were sexiest, it was probably a time when you were completely free and happy and having a good time and laughing.”

No one believes their partner when when they say you look sexiest in a tee shirt and ponytail, scrubbing an exploded chicken pot pie out of the oven or whatever. But if Dita says it, I’ll try.

On speaking well.

This is not actually a tip from Dita. I pulled this out all by myself. Listening to Dita speak makes me immediately regret every F-bomb and “literally,” I’ve dropped since this morning. Girl annunciates her words better like Betty Draper. She speaks clearly and slowly. Her voice doesn’t grate with Kardashian-esque vocal fry and you won’t catch her with adult baby syndrome like Paris Hilton. She speaks like a woman, and I need to clean up my vocal act.

On breakups.

“The way that you exit a relationship is very important. Keep your dignity at all times… no matter how heartbroken you are.”

Suffice it to say that Dita would not be proud of the time I doused an ex’s clothes in my signature perfume before giving them back after a breakup (feels good to get that off my chest). Whether you’re a lingerie fan or not, avoiding drive-bys and Facebook stalking is ALWAYS good advice.

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In general, I try to avoid wholesale advice on what is sexy. But cultivating a sexy mindset by wearing what feels good to you, never compromising on what you like, keeping an open mind, and leaving relationships like a lady is pretty solid, whether you dig retro lingerie or not. Now, excuse me while I go read up on the latest fetishes and practice my diction.