Who wants to be stuck with someone who likes that despicable hag, Jane Austen? No one!  Well, at least not me and Mark Twain. What about Bret Easton Ellis? Intern Michael probably thinks that girls who like him drive stick shift.

Fortunately, now we can go to Alikewise: Dating by the Book. It’s a dating site that matches you based off your mutual interest in authors. Each person describes their favorite book, and they put up a little picture of you. Preliminary investigation indicates:

Men seem to really like Catcher in the Rye. Men do not seem to realize that almost all serial killers list Catcher in the Rye as their favorite book.

Yeah, everyone loves Harry Potter, but don’t women who rave about how they were hooked from his first Quidditch goal seem like they’re trying a little too hard to be cutesy?

Am I a snob?

Wait: why are people not capitalizing the word “I”? Or using punctuation? Presumably this is a site for people who at least want to come off as erudite.

“Vonnegut is a fun read. Sometimes I wish his writing was a bit more… hmm… not sure what’s lacking, but something..” Sometimes people are… I don’t know… douchebags… who feel their favorite writer still isn’t good enough… and overuse ellipsis.

The guy who loves the Zombie Survival Guide actually sounds cool. Someone should ask him out.

I don’t think “I like this book” is what they mean when they say “describe why this book is your favorite.”

Damn, that Anathem sounds like a good book. I should really read that.

Okay, so all in all, not a bad time. Though I’m not inclined to think that relationships rely on your literary preferences so much as whether the other person is interested in literature at all. I wouldn’t care if I were dating someone who read Jane Austen all the time because, hey, it’s cool that they read for pleasure at all (and besides, one of my longest relationships was with someone who owned two books, both of which I bought for him).

But then, maybe I just haven’t  haven’t thought through literary dealbreakers hard enough. Norman Rush wrote in “Mating.” “There are certain quagmires to be avoided with people. You can find yourself liking someone who appears intellectually normal and then have him let drop that his favorite book of all time is ‘The Prophet.’” I don’t know about “The Prophet” but I think I’d have a hard time not smirking a little if someone started talking about how The Da Vinci Code is like, really deep.

If someone loved your least favorite author, would you be willing to date them? What if they listed, say, Mein Kampf as their favorite book? Wait, seriously, what if they just talked about what a genius your least favorite author was all the time? On the same note, are there any books that are literary deal seal-ers for you?