I don’t know if you guys know this, but Cosmo is pretty much only about sex at this point. Sure, it’s got some pretty new dresses in there — mostly half off a woman’s body as a man strokes her shoulder — but for the most part, it’s instructional porn.

Anyway, this month they have tips for feeling closer to your man after you have sex. I hate to summarily reject all of them on principle, but it’s hard not to when the article starts like this:

“‘When you orgasm, hormones are released that make you feel more connected,’ says clinical sexologist Rachael Ross, MD, PhD. “Take advantage of that by doing things to prolong the feeling.’ But that doesn’t mean intense conversations or eye gazing—little gestures can reap big benefits.”

Right — because intense conversations and eye-gazing might make you actually connected. Like, in the real world. And that might make you vulnerable or uncomfortable. And you don’t want to have to challenge yourself that way! So instead, do the following things that mean absolutely nothing and are 100% devoid of scientific backing to show that they may really make two humans feel more connected.

“1. If you’re hungry, forgo ordering a pizza and instead break out red wine and cheese.” — Ah, of course…cheese a la carte rather than cheese on bread.

“2. Upgrade your usual postsex shower by giving each other neck rubs. The bonding hormones oxytocin and prolactin that are released when you climax are also triggered by touch, so the massage will extend the feelings of closeness.”— I hate to be nitpicky, but the bonding hormone oxytocin is also released when you make eye contact with someone. Just sayin’.

“3. Before you get busy, turn off anything with an on button, like your cell phones, laptops, and TV. That way, the only thing you’ll be plugged into afterward is each other, not your Facebook news feed or DVR queue.” — OK, this one I can’t really argue with. Touche.

“4. Instead of rolling over once the action is done, drape one of your legs over his and rest your hands on his chest. It will keep you connected without doing the spooning thing.” — “How to get close…but not too close…to your man.”

“5. One word: candles. Light a few after you hook up (instead of before) and the mood will instantly feel more romantic.” — One word back atcha: delusional. Oh, and another two: fire hazard.

“6. Play hooky and call in sex—er, sick after your romp. Having to leave ASAP, whether it’s to meet a friend for brunch or attend your can’t-miss Spin class, is a total mood killer. Reschedule your plans…” — No. Don’t reschedule your plans. The answer to any of your relationship questions is never, ever “leave your friends hanging so you can try to win over your man.” That actually makes you a douchebag. Now you know.

“7. Set your iPod to a romantic playlist. Choose tunes that remind you of your favorite moments together (like a concert you went to). Just listening to them will make you two feel closer without having to speak.” — Because women who talk are a turn-off.

“8. Reverse-strip each other. Slowly button his shirt, and let him zip up your skirt. Dressing each other is super intimate since it taps in to the primal instinct to “preen” your mate.” — Whatever.

The sad thing here is if any women actually think that these cheeseball steps are legitimate replacements for genuine connectedness. I’d like to think not, but when this is the kind of advice we’re getting, it’s not that surprising that so many relationships don’t work out. Here’s one big fat tip: candles, massage and preening are nice and all, but communication trumps everything. Want to feel close to a guy? Go talk to him. I promise you’ll find out more about him and about yourself than you will by switching up the cheese you eat.