edward cullen married bella swan

There are a lot of things that can go wrong on your wedding day. In fact, there’s a possibility that you might screw up your marriage altogether. But you know what you should be thankful not having to worry about? Your fiance getting overly excited and devouring your wedding guests before the ceremony. Or him breaking your bones during your honeymoon. Or impregnating you with a half demon baby that eats its way out of your womb.

Congratulations! You’re not marrying a vampire. Because why? Because maybe I went to see Twilight Breaking Dawn (Part 1) this weekend. And fuck. I never thought I’d feel so bad for Kristen Stewart having to marry Robert Pattinson. But Bella Cullen’s marriage looks like the worst marital fate a teenager could end up with.

Let’s put aside the whole fear about your vampire husband/fiance having to fight back the daily impulse to suck your blood and bleed you dry. I could go along with the whole dreamy Edward Cullen, sparkly vampire hotness in the first two movies.

Because he was such a paragon of control. He didn’t want to kill his beloved Bella. And even though she was a hot blooded teenager who just wanted to knock boots with him, he respected her too much to let her do it. How chivalrous!

But then she convinced him they should get married, and he should turn her into a vampire so that they could be together forever and have happily married sex for the rest of eternity.

And that’s where things get all screwed up and Edward Cullen turns into an actually terrible fiance/husband. Which is funny, because often times the person you’re dating is much different than the person you’re engaged to/end up marrying.

However! Even if your beloved boyfriend turns into the kind of guy who can’t be bothered to get involved with your wedding plans and stops wanting to hang out with your friends after he puts a ring on your finger, chances are he won’t fly up to your room the night before your wedding and try to talk you out of marrying him.

It’s at this point that Bella’s life choices really start to become questionable. I was surprised that no one in my theater screamed out “Run, bitch!” at this point. Because this is when Twilight: Breaking Dawn (Part-Come-See-Another-One-Of-These-In-Six-Months) officially turns into a horror movie.

Literally, the next thing that happens is Bella walks down the aisle to see her fiance in an atrocity of a white tuxedo. If that weren’t bad enough, when she gets to the alter, she is standing on a pile of bloody bodies that turn out to be all of her closest loved ones who had shown up to attend her wedding.

And here’s a word of warning for anyone having a bout of cold feet in the process of planning a wedding: If your subconscious thinks your fiance is going to kill all of your friends and family, you probably shouldn’t marry him! In fact, you should walk away slowly, make up some story about being embarrassed to tell your dad that you’re going to be a vampire in a month and hope that he doesn’t bleed you out for pissing him off.

But that’s not what our heroine Bella does! She dons a long silky dress and continues to obfuscate the details of her fiance’s glittery skin to her parents and goes on with her wedding.

At this point, I couldn’t help thinking about all the pressures that brides feel about following through with big matrimonial affairs because of the all the money and effort that’s already been sunk in. That’s part of the excuse Kim Kardashian gave about her 72 day marriage to Kris Humphries. But you know what’s worse than having your bad decisions aired in the tabloids every month? Vampire divorce.

Gosh. Bella is 18 when she gets married to Edward. Imagine if it didn’t work out? Dealing with your annoying ex for eternity? That would be hell on earth.

But I digress. Bella and Edward are IN LOVE and their relationship will stand the test of time. Except shouldn’t there be a point where they get to actually enjoy themselves?

After all the waiting and anticipation and vampire chastity of the first installments of this series, Bella and Edward arrive in Brazil to get to the doing it part of marriage, only to find out that Edward kind of likes it rough in the sack.

And the worst part? Bella is kind of into that, but Edward just puts an end to the sexing, without consulting her. I’m pretty sure that’s grounds for annulment!

After much coaxing and prancing around in sexy lingerie, and some interminable chess playing, Bella gets Edward back to the boning  part of their trip. But then, oops! She’s pregnant with a half-undead vampire baby that might kill her. Why is this story so desperate to be retold by Tori Spelling in a Lifetime Movie about abusive supernatural marriages?

Just as we’re getting adjusted to the fact that Bella is excited to have a baby that might kill her, we return to Forks to find that Bella is hiding the pregnancy from her father in the hopes of shielding him from the fact that her husband is a blood sucker whose sperm may have put her on the fast track to her death bed. (This part in particular is like a PSA for the Center For Battered Women, since Bella is clearly in a weird state of denial about the major warning signs of spousal abuse.)

Isn’t the whole point of getting married at 18 the fact that you don’t have to be embarrassed to tell your parents that you’re going to be a teen mom? She’s married. And has to hide away in the woods the whole time she’s pregnant so her family won’t find out? Worst.

The final nail in this never closing coffin? This half-vampire-half-human daughter is called Renesmee. Even the most embarrassing of celebrities today would have to work pretty hard to come up with a more terrible name for a child.

In conclusion. For all of you women out there barely managing to deal with the overwhelming task of planning your wedding. This Thanksgiving season, you should be thankful that you’re not marrying Edward Cullen. Even if he’s all sparkly and lovely and supposedly a monster in the sack. You’re a lot better off dealing with the minutia of planning a human sized wedding. And your uterus will thank you later. Enjoy Your Thanksgiving!