I admittedly did not see this one coming: Emma Stone reportedly has a sex tape.

According to Radar Online, Stone made a sex tape before she began dating actor Andrew Garfield, so this isn’t a Spider Man fetish production (thank goodness). Their source says that “Emma Stone has a sex tape and that’s a fact.”

“Emma’s really happy with her career and proud of where she is,” the source said. “There’s no way she would organize the release of the tape; in fact, she would fight to stop it. She has no respect for women like Kim Kardashian and Paris Hilton who became famous because they released a sex tape.”

So, basically this “source” is attempting to upset Stone’s life, then compliment her and simultaneously shame two other women who… have sex tapes? Because this way, everyone will know about the sex tape which Stone will, uh, never release. Forgive me, dear unnamed source: I am confused.

The source also claims the video is not in Stone’s possession but that the male participant has it–not a great scenario–but that “doesn’t mean there’s any guarantee that it won’t eventually hit the market. The higher Emma’s star rises, the more valuable that tape becomes.” In other words: “If the dude can get a lot of money for it, he’ll sell it, because he’s that kind of asshole.”

Honestly, I kind of hope Emma Stone metaphorically owns this situation (if it’s true, of course). Every time a celebrity denies something scandalous and it’s actually true, the tape always comes out and it’s a big to-do. Publicly acknowledging you may have made a video of the risque nature is the fastest way to curb public appeal. Tabloids are like bullies: if you tell them to stop talking shit and bugging you, even if you tell your teacher on them (i.e. sue), they’ll never leave you alone.

So why do we still care about potential or definite celebrity sex tapes? Has it ever been a question as to whether or not a celebrity is having sex? Or even a question as to whether not most people, famous or not, are having sex? Slut-shaming and scandalizing trivial things like a celebrity–usually a female one–having sex just because there happened to be a camera in the room is ridiculous. Whether or not you’re a talented, intelligent and interesting person has nothing to do with a little red light going on while you happen to be fornicating. If it’s nonconsensual filming, that’s one thing: that’s both illegal and very fucked up, so it would completely make sense to be considered huge news. But if the pair of you just wanted to film your sex life, who’s to stop you?

I think part of the reason people will get all sassy about this is because Stone is a very likable, sweet celebrity and there are a lot of people out there who think likable, sweet women should never have sex, ever, or else all of their likability and sweetness go out the window. After all, having a sex life does make you a damaged harlot.

Photo: Sean Thorton/WENN.com