Ladies, just so you know, Esquire writer Chris Jones isn’t impressed with your stupid possession of a vagina. He thinks that if all you’re doing during sex is lying in his bed, you may as well be a couch cushion. And also, don’t ever grind on him while boning. What are you doing, anyway — trying to stimulate your own clitoris?! Selfish.

In case you’re wondering, no, I myself did not sleep with Jones. I got all of this information — all of it! — from his recent piece in Esquire magazine, lovingly entitled “Women Who Are Bad in Bed – Ladies, You’re Not as Good as You Think.” The piece is short, a mere four paragraphs, but Jones still manages to convey how drunk he got as he was writing it.

He opens by telling his past lovers that some of them were so crappy in bed that they deserve to be insulted: “there are women who are worse in the sack than me. I’ve slept with you: unenthusiastic, uncomfortable, and uncommunicative, the human equivalent of the space between the couch cushions, only without the bonus possibility of my finding loose change in there.”

But by the end of the piece, after asserting that these very same women fancy themselves “sexual Olympians” and reminding his hypothetical lovers not to clamp down on his head while he’s trying to eat them out, Jones instructs all the ladies reading his piece as follows:

“The bottom line is that if your sex life is bad, you bear at least some of the blame — maybe even an entire half of it.”

In other words, Jones’ sex life sucks! His partners are lame and uninspiring! And he’s complaining about it! And if you’re not happy with your sex life, it’s your own fault!

Wait…