I was recently on one of those giant winged coffins they called planes, and before I embarked, I explained a little about their giant winged coffin-ness. “Cheer up!” someone said, “maybe a hot guy will sit next to you!”

 Hah! Whenever I fly, I hope that there will not be a hot guy sitting next to me. Because, you know, I got The New Dead as a Christmas present, and I’ve got some reading to do, and priorities. Priorities. Mostly I hope there will be no one next to me. If there is someone, I hope it will be a narcoleptic mute. But a lot of people are not me.

A lot of people are Rachel McAdams and Cillian Murphy in that really romantic movie, Red Eye.

For those people, there’s a service called TripLife which will set you up with people on planes, or in hotels. I can see how this would make travel more enjoyable if you hit it off and had a new friend to tour the town with – but aren’t the best first dates ones where you have an easy escape? Like, I plan all my first dates “at the park.” And then, if they say something I find offensive, I just run, run as far away as I can, never looking back. If you try that on a plane, people get all antsy. The best you can do if the conversation isn’t going well on a plane is pretend to be asleep for the next hour and a half.

Go ahead, though prove me wrong. Has anyone met someone in a plane? Because, that happens to people, right? Tell me all about it! I’ve got plenty of legroom here in 9C. And I apologize if I doze, or misconstrue Cillian Murphy’s serial killer actions as “sweet like sugar.”