[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_phtRRlwvVA?version=3]

Did you know that “sex” is a thing women have that men want? And that this somewhat strange activity (which those mysterious creatures called “men” seem to like very much) may be traded for things including, but not limited to, money, babies, and not having to take out the garbage? (But never orgasms. Only penises can have those.) In case you’re just hearing about this revolutionary concept for the first time, dead-eyed Southern housewife Carolyn Evans has written a book on the subject called Forty Beads: The Simple, Sexy Secret For Transforming Your Marriage that will explain it all to you in terms your small, feminine brain can understand.

“But wait,” you are saying. “I already incorporate anal beads into my lovemaking activities, and forty just sounds like way too many for any human ass to accept!” She’s not talking about those kinds of beads, you disgusting Sodomite. She’s talking about symbolic penis beads which your husband may drop in your vagina bowl any time he’s feeling randy, at which point you must get on your back within 24 hours whether or not you actually feel like it, fixing all marital problems in the process. “A man has to have sex to feel close,” Evans explains. “And, conversely, a woman has to feel close with her husband to want to have sex with him. We hold out because we want good husband behavior.” That is so true. Now if you will excuse me, I’m going to pop a few Valiums and make a nice roast, and then I’m going to stick my head in the oven, forever.

But let’s hear what she has to say for herself on “The Today Show.” Perhaps she has some genius explanation as to why this system is not essentially a throwback to the era that drove Sylvia Plath to suicide?

There’s nothing to fight about when everyone’s happy with their sexual situation.

Because all conflicts between women and men boil down to believing they’re not getting everything they’re entitled to out of their sexual transactions. She makes sure to say that in her system, women have “nudge” cards they can leave lying around when they want husbands to spend a bead, but the ultimate power rests with the guy. This seems pretty off to me.

I don’t want to shit all over anyone who has somehow been made happier by this system, but it tickles my feminist spidey sense in all the wrong ways. This goes without saying, but not all marital issues are about wives not servicing husbands enough. And if you can’t talk about your issues and desires in a mature, verbal way, is it a totally off-base conclusion to draw that maybe you’re not ready for marriage in the first place?

And if that weren’t enough, this book is brought to you by the same chick lit publisher that brought you Skinny Bitch. Retrograde sexuality and fat shaming: two great tastes that taste great together.