Cate is something of a renaissance sex worker and has held numerous interesting jobs in the adult industry. Each week, she shares her stories in Harlotry.
A lot of people think sex workers are there just for men to get off with, to, and on. That couldn’t be further from the case. I’ve written before about how most of my clients are seeking not only sex, but especially intimacy from sex workers. They come to me and my ho sisters and brothers not necessarily just because they want to get off, but because they want a human connection. This is why kissing is so widely sought-after.
Due to films like Pretty Woman, it’s a common misconception that whores don’t kiss, and while I’m sure there are still sex workers who refuse to kiss their clients, they are no longer the majority. It’s very uncommon for full service sex workers (those of us who have sex with our clients) to not offer at least some kissing. The girlfriend experience has become standard for indoor full service sex workers, and while that means different things in different cities, it always means kissing.
For me, and I think for most people, a kiss is usually a thousand times more intimate than any sex could ever be. On a purely biological level there is the simple fact that the mouth is the dirtiest part of the human body. When you kiss someone you are swapping your most disgusting germs with them. It may sound gross, but it’s the reality. Then there is the closeness involved; your faces, the things by which we recognize each other, are touching and melding. It’s impossible to equate that kind of closeness to that which we achieve through sex.
In my personal life I don’t kiss much. Maybe this has to do with my fear of intimacy and commitment, but I’m not sure if that’s really the case.
Kissing has never been something I’ve thought about much, I sought out my first kiss not so much out of and interest in kissing as out of a desire to achieve that sexual coming-of-age landmark. In the first and last cliché of my sexual development, the first bot I kissed was at summer camp when I was thirteen, a sweet, blonde Southern boy from Alabama who liked me a lot more than I liked him. It was underwhelming at best, I wondered what the big deal was all about. Since then I’ve kissed innumerable other men, and it’s still very rare for me to encounter the kind of kisser I’d happily make out with for hours. It’s not so much a question of skill for me, it’s just that kissing is not, and probably never will be, one of my favorite activities.
There are women who hate kissing their clients, women who love it, and women who don’t especially care one way or the other. I’m in the third camp. Like all men, clients are split pretty evenly into groups of great kissers, perfectly okay kissers, and terrible kissers. I don’t really draw distinctions between the three. It’s rare for me to encounter a client who kisses so badly that I am truly put off, and even when a guy’s kissing style is sub-par I don’t mind t nearly so much as I normally would in my personal life. Part of this might be the fact that when it comes to work I set the bar for what constitutes good sex much lower than I do in my personal life, but there’s more to it than that.
When I’m in an appointment my main objective is to create a relaxed, joyful, and of course sexy space for my clients; I find kissing to be a very successful way to create this kind of space. Kissing is so heavily associated with intimacy that starting a session with making out sets the mood better than any candles, rose petals, or whatever the kids these days are associating with romance. It also allows me to get a feeling for what kind of experience my client likes most. There is, in my experience, no better way to find out what a man will be like in bed than to kiss him.
When I first started out as a whore, I didn’t really consider any of these things. I didn’t think about why clients kiss, why they booked with me, or how I felt about the things I did with and to them. It’s only in the past few years, as I become even more married to my identity as a whore I spend more time deconstructing what it is that makes clients want to see me, why they keep coming back, and what the importance of the activities we pursue is. We live in a society that tells men not to seek intimacy, but to replace it with sex. They are taught that a desire real closeness, physical or otherwise, is womanly and therefore weak.
On some level, even the men who have pretty well absorbed the toxic masculinity of our culture recognize that a desire for intimacy is not womanly or weak, but rather is human. Some of them talk about it, but some of them express it physically. Their need is palpable and when I kiss my clients I like to think that in some small way I am fulfilling that need.