Online dating, ugh.
The other day some boy fresh out of his graduation cap and gown told me that he would only ever try online dating out if his hair was turning gray and his age was greater than 35. Little does he know that as soon as he signs on the dotted line of a full time job and his free time to rendezvous and meet new people to go on dates with becomes extinct, he’ll have no other choice but turn to online dating.
“Online-ing it” adds another layer onto the whole dating process. Before, we’d stress about how we were going to blow a person away with our first impression – in person. But now, when we go online, we need to pull ourselves together and impress thousands of strangers with a profile and a few pictures.
If you read enough profiles they begin to sound the same. That’s because people write about themselves very vaguely in order to not reveal too much about themselves and their quirks.
Here’s the honest version of what my online dating profile would look like:
User Name: MyMomMadeMeDoThis1234
Age: 25 – but when I have a cold I can easily revert back to being 4-years-old or if I’m out at a bar and I hear “Don’t Stop Believing”, I can easily transform back to acting like a college freshman.
Location: Sitting behind my Mac Book Pro trying to scratch off the dried up smear of peanut butter that’s made itself at home in between the G and H key.
My hair is: Blonde. Okay, fine – it’s really more a Jack and Coke color but every three months I march my butt to the salon and give some nice hairstylist a chunk of my paycheck to make it look more like champagne.
My eyes are: Not the best. I can’t do long distance (relationships or reading). Oh and they’re brown – like 75% of people.
Body type: Fits very nicely on an L-shaped couch.
Weight: umm, before or after I just finish a medium pizza all to myself?
I speak: Pig Latin, 90’s girl lingo, and really nicely to puppies.
In My Own Words
My Favorite Physical Activities: I signed up for a gym about a year ago and pay them $40 of my hard earned money every single month – so technically part of me (my wallet) goes to the gym.
In My Free Time: I run marathons of the latest shows that Netflix puts up. I also camp out in the café of Barnes and Noble and read all newly released books that I can’t afford to buy.
The First Thing People Notice About Me: Is that smiling is my default facial expression. Which means people also, always, notice that I have lipstick all over my teeth. People also wonder if I stole the clothes off a mannequin at Forever21 when they first lay eyes on me.
I’m Really Good At:
- Sniffing out the location of the best pizza shop in town.
- Knowing all the lyrics to Jay-Z’s Hard Knock Life album.
- Writing what I want to eat in Haiku format on napkins at fancy restaurants.
- Fumbling around in my purse trying to find my wallet when the bill comes on a first date.
I’m Looking For: Someone to slow dance through life with underneath an umbrella of laughter and kindness.
My Perfect First Date: One that doesn’t start with you name dropping your ex-girlfriend and end with your guacamole stained chapped lips suction cupping my ears because I turned my head when you went in for an unwarranted kiss.
My Ideal Match
Drinking Habits: Doesn’t smell like stale tequila. Doesn’t spend the majority of his Friday night hugging a toilet seat. Doesn’t drink like a sorority girl on a “Neon or Nothing” social.
Relationship Status: umm 100% single. What kind of question is this?
Job: Has one.
Hobbies: Also has one (or a few).
Must love: Me – a girl who spends too much time on Twitter, owes an extraordinary amount of money in late fines to the library, only wants to ever eat pizza. And yourself. Please love yourself first.
Jen Glantz is the author of All My Friends Are Engaged, a book of dating disaster stories. She’s the heart behind the website The Things I Learned From and the biggest supporter of the NYC pizza industry. She’d love you to say hello: @tthingsilearned or firstname.lastname@example.org.