"Can't pose. Have to go do Baron stuff."

Okay, look. This is actually a Fuck Marry Kill involving Jack Nicholson, Wearren Beatty and Jeremy Irons, in honor of our debate earlier this week on whether or not 23-year-olds should be having sex with other 23-year-olds (as opposed to aging bankers). We were surprised that a number of the comments were so negative–“Any man in his 40s who is looking to date a 23 year old has issues. He either has a daddy complex or is desperately trying to recapture his youth via a trophy girlfriend”–what with plenty of older men being so attractive in their own right. Anyway, we tried to play Fuck Marry Kill, but the conversation kind of just devolved into a discussion of men over 60 we find hot. You can still submit your FMK votes at the end, though.

Jennifer: Okay, so, on our debate yesterday, some readers said they found older men disgusting. And others said you should be free to love who you want to love. To hell with that. I say if you’re a woman in your 20’s you should only date men over 60, like we’re in ancient Rome.

Ashley: So, is this supposed to be a real conversation or are we just saying incendiary things for traffic now? Because I could conduct myself like an adult for the next ten minutes, or I could say that Jewish men lie. Choose wisely.

Jennifer: JEWISH MEN LIE And WASP men have very small penises. Penii?

Ashley: I think that’s bad Latin. Er, I mean, anyone who makes more than 50k a year has a tiny penis!

Jennifer: Mitt Romney has a micro-phallus  Sorry about the bad Latin, I didn’t spend enough time reading On The Nature Of Things. I was out drinking with elderly professors.

Ashley: I know you’re not joking and that makes me sort of uncomfortable. Then again, you’re the editor-in-chief and I’m deputy.

Jennifer: So runs the world. Take that morals. So – who are we debating?

Ashley: Jack Nicholson, Warren Beaty and Jeremy Irons.

Yup, Jeremy Irons in leather pants.

Jennifer: Jeremy Irons for everything. He bought a castle and then painted it peach, claiming, “Just as my mother’s new hairdo always looked better the day after it was done, so the castle will look better tomorrow.”

Ashley: …

Jennifer: Don’t you just feel all the feelings?

Ashley: I… I don’t know. That’s like finding out Nicolas Cage has a shrunken head collection. Wait, no. The Cage thing makes perfect sense.

Jennifer: Jeremy Irons buying a castle and painting it whimsically doesn’t feel right?

Ashley: I guess it does. I don’t think I could sleep with or marry Jeremy Irons, though, on account of how he killed Mufasa and all.

Jennifer: The Borgias. Dead Ringers. Reversal Of Fortune. And OH MY GOD, Brideshead Revisited.

Ashley: Have you actually seen Dead Ringers?!

Jennifer: I was thinking about the part before he goes all pokey.

Ashley: That’s like saying, “Dennis Hopper is so fuckable. Have you seen Blue Velvet?”

Jennifer: But at the beginning…Some of us have offbeat tastes, I guess, though I see how that could have damaged my case. I suppose Reversal of Fortune is also about him maybe killing a woman.

Ashley: So you’d marry Jeremy Irons and… fuck Warren Beatty, right?

"I'd fuck me."

Jennifer: No! Jeremy Irons is insane! I am in love with him, but that speaks towards something unhealthy within me! I’d fuck him. And marry Warren Beatty. He seems really nice, and like he’s had a great relationship with Annette Benning. Also, I once read a really nice interview with him where someone asked if him if he’d sleep with every woman, given the opportunity regardless of whether they were old, or ugly, or a lot of other kind of sexist stuff and he said, “Yes, because… you never know. You never know who’s going to be the one.”  You?

Ashley: It’s tough, actually. Remember our Fuck Marry Kill about Marlon Brando, Paul Newman and Clint Eastwood? And how hard it was?

Jennifer: Yes.

Ashley: Choosing between Jeremy Irons and Warren Beatty is a bit like that because they’re both really appealing. However, the wild card in play here is that none of these men are known especially for decency or goodness or fidelity; we’re essentially choosing the hottest emotionally imbalanced cad. And if that’s the case, if none of them are really sensible choices, then my heart says Jack Nicholson, Jack Nicholson, Jack Nicholson.

Jennifer: Really? Your heart says that? Has your heart communicated with your eyes and seen how he’s gone a bit to seed in his old age?

Ashley: Right, but that wolfishness is still in there. And, I think, maybe, Nicholson was the hottest of them in his prime.

Jennifer: No, no, he only SEEMED hot because he was sleeping with Anjelica Huston. It’s a classic case of not being able to figure out why some shlubby guy is sleeping with a super-hot girl, so you just apply amazing sexual prowess to him.

Ashley: No. Way. Nicholson in 5 Easy Pieces is solid gold.

Jennifer: The ShiningOne Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest… maybe. If you forget the end. But The Shining? And you dismissed me for Dead Ringers?

Ashley: Shit. Nevermind. Height check on Google just brought back Nicholson at 5’10, Beatty at 6’2 and Irons at 6’1. I guess I’m marrying Beatty and fucking Irons, too.

"Nicholson don't care."

Jennifer: I forgot how easy your standards are. Shit – why didn’t we do Harrison Ford?

Ashley: WHY DIDNT WE DO HARRISON FORD?

Jennifer: I don’t know. I think I was focused on all the weird mind-games I think Jeremy Irons would play, and I was really in a bit of a zone there. Also, this is the only one we’ve ever agreed upon, and I feel good about that.

Ashley: Well, I think Irons wears too many scarves for us to ever have a meaningful relationship but he sure is aging beautifully. I saw him in a bad play on Broadway a few years ago and spent the entire time thinking about how he gets hotter every year. I’ll marry Beatty–who, granted, was untouchably hot in Bonnie and Clyde–then get some Han Solo on the side.

Jennifer: How about we just fuck all of them? Maybe this can be less “fuck marry kill” more “some old guys are hot.”

Ashley: If Monday was any indication, some of our readers will be very disturbed by this conclusion. Yes, indeed, I find several men much older than me… attractive.

Jennifer: And I will say that we would happily accept calls from any of the above candidates.

Ashley: Sidney Poitier is 82! He’s still very handsome.

Jennifer: John Malkovich. Dangerous Liasons! WE FORGOT SEAN CONNERY!

Ashley: And Patrick Stewart! Also, it’s worth noting that all of these men are 60+. Yesterday, one commenter asserted that guys more than five (5) years older are unappealing and I’m still pretty shocked by that.

Jennifer: Well, that has never been something we’ve factored into our dating lives, so maybe that is why. However, I will go out on a limb and suggest that probably if someone has that attitude, older men will not try to pursue them, as people rarely like to pursue people who find them disgusting. In conclusion: I would like Jeremy Irons to pursue me if he were single. And I were single. And the world were different. And peach castles were the norm.

Ashley: I am reminded of an exchange from one of my favorite films of all time, Billy Madison:

Frank: Who would you rather bone, Meg Ryan or Jack Nicholson?
Billy: Jack Nicholson now, or 1974?
Frank: ’74.
Billy: Meg Ryan.

Not for any reason, really. Just sayin.

Jennifer: … Good talk?

Ashley: Sure.

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(all photos via Wenn)