The fact that anyone is considering appearing on Ricky Van Veen’s “Married by 30” show absolutely terrifies us. So to save you the trouble of ever appearing on a reality program, we checked in with Maria the Date Coach for tips on how we can get ourselves married off, pretty much tomorrow. She promises that the plan will get you married before you can say “restraining order”, so you’ll want to have the following tips on hand when you are 29 and 9 months old.

Week 1-3 Research, Research, Research
Think of circle of friends as domino sets. Once a group of friend begins getting married with a circle, within two years, like dominos, the entire pact will fall into matrimony.

Your job is to find the domino set that has one last domino standing. That’s the lonely guy. All his friends are married with children. He wants to be part of that “in crowd” full of dirty diapers and misunderstandings. You want HIM.

And He’ll probably take you. It’s a known fact men rarely marry Mrs. Right, but Mrs. Right Now. You can be that girl!

Week 4-6 Making “Fate” Work for You
After having spoken to his friends, make sure your outlook is identical to his life. “Bump” into him, but be completely oblivious. Make him believe that fate is whats bringing you two together, not Foursquare, Gowalla, or whatever other iPhone GPS locating device you are currently stalking him on.

Week 7 The First Day of the Rest of YOUR Lives
Congratulations! You’re off to your first date. Adapt to his life, but be sassy at the same time. Don’t have sex with him. Make him believe you are a lady. Let him pretend to “chase” you for about 48 hours. In fact, don’t pick up his phone calls the first week.

Week 8- 11 Date and Mate
Your job is to continue dating and start fornicating. Don’t mind the accidental condom slip the day you ovulate. Also, change your Facebook status to “In a Relationship”. Let’s make it official. ;-)

Week 12- Announce your Pregnancy… and subsequent Engagement.

Congrats! You have  spawn growing inside you. And since he’s the last domino, he’ll probably let you keep it! (It also helps if he’s Republican.)