Wonderful news! If you thought that the path to a healthy, committed, mutually supportive relationship built to last was something stupid like open and honest communication, mutual respect and trust, or caring about each other, you can throw that all out the window. Ladies and gentleman, a man who has generously been described as an Alexander Skarsgård-lookalike has cracked the code! Want your man to commit and put a ring on it? Make him a goddamn sandwich, for Christ’s sake!

Ladies, meet Stephanie Smith, the intrepid sandwich maker dating the aforementioned Skarsgård-type who forwent respect in her relationship for a grotesque sandwich-a-thon that should entitle her to a lifetime of sandwich making! Happily ever after, indeed. Today, Smith took of the the ziploc sandwich baggie of anonymity (the kinds that are opaque, not the transparent kind because that wouldn’t make any sense) to come out as the voice behind, a “beautifully photographed blog“* that chronicles the sandwiches she makes on her quest to an engagement ring.

You see, her boyfriend gave her the assignment of making him 300 sandwiches which will lead up to a proposal. In case you thought this was a story devoid of sweetness, just look at how it all started:

My boyfriend, Eric, is the gourmet cook in our relationship, but he’d always want me to make him a sandwich.

Each morning, he would ask, “Honey, how long you have been awake?”

“About 15 minutes,” I’d reply.

“You’ve been up for 15 minutes and you haven’t made me a sandwich?”

The nerve on her! Thank god Eric was able to put her in her place like that. What was she even doing for 15 minutes? Getting dressed? Washing her face? Making herself breakfast? She sounds like a selfish whore.

About a year ago, Smith cleaned up her self-serving ways and “gave in.” She made him a sandwich, which he then proclaimed that he loved so much that she was 300 sandwiches away from a proposal. It’s like a fairy tale! Turn over your self respect for a ring? That’s one way to put it! Another way is:

Maybe I needed to show him I could cook to prove that I am wife material.

It’s a solid plan. Sadly, her stuck up bitch friends reacted poorly, with comments like “How ‘Stepford Wives’ of you!” or “It’s not 1950! It’s chauvinistic! He’s saying, ‘Cook for me, woman, and maybe I’ll make you my wife.’” Whatever, they’re probably bitter old lesbian uggos who hate men, am I right, bros?

Because Smith wanted to please her man like any woman should, she dedicated herself fully to sandwich making. She even upped the schedule from a slacker three-sandwiches-a-week to three-sandwiches-a-day, since her biological clock was ticking. In one heartwrenching tale of dedication, she writes that “[e]ven after covering movie premieres or concerts for Page Six, [she] found [her]self stumbling into the kitchen to make Eric a sandwich while [she] still had on [her] high heels and party dress.”

Quick digression: Is it possible that sandwiches are actually one big euphemism for blow jobs? A fun game is to read her column and replace “make him a sandwich” with “give him a blow job.”

Smith is currently 176 sandwiches in, and unfortunately seems to be slowing down and putting less pressure on the engagement itself. It’s almost like she’s trying to enjoy the relationship she’s in instead of sprinting towards some ridiculous goal that coincides with a made up ideal of happiness in a relationship. Eric, on the other hand, is happily eating whatever sandwiches his gal makes for him, and feels that he’s unlocked the secret to understanding men. As he puts it:

“You women read all these magazines to get advice on how to keep a man, and it’s so easy. We’re not complex. Just do something nice for us. Like make a sandwich.”

Suck on that, Gloria Steinem.

*Her words.

Photo: Shutterstock