So it’s New Year’s Eve. You’re all crowded around the TV watching the ball drop, and everyone is super into it. You’re standing next to your boyfriend and getting ready to kiss your way into 2012. Next thing you know, a girl of your approximate height, build and hairstyle has nudged you out of the way and is now standing where you were standing only moments before, and she’s grabbed your boyfriend’s face and locked lips with him and oh God, he is kissing her back because he’s wasted and thinks she is you. WHAT TO DO? Here are some ideas.
1.) Tap him on the shoulder.
2.) Realize he’s too drunk to feel it. Tug on his hair, instead.
3.) Realize he’s too drunk to feel that, either. Stand there and watch helplessly as he kisses the girl who’s not you for another five seconds.
4.) Relish the look of shock and horror that appears on his face when he finally realizes the person he’s kissing has way smaller lips than you. Also, she’s biting him a little, which you do not do.
5.) Body-check her across the room and yell “step off, bitch!”
6.) By which I mean, avoid making eye contact with her for the rest of the party, because she just kissed your boyfriend and that’s awkward.
7.) Still wearing that same “OH SHIT” look, your boyfriend will now attempt to apologize. Laugh and laugh and laugh at him. This might be the only time in your life when it’s acceptable to do this, so laugh it up! [tagbox tag=”relationships”]
8.) Make him go to the bodega and buy you and your friends more beer.
9.) Blow some MDMA and start to feel less awkward. Everyone is awesome, even the girl who nudged you out of the way so she could kiss your boyfriend. Let’s hug it out!
9.) Tell your boyfriend he must repay you by stroking your hair just like that, forever.
10.) After the molly wears off, do some blow. Add “dinner,” “champagne,” and “for you to stay up all night talking about life with me” to the list of things you want.
11.) Watch the look of relief that plays across his face as he realizes you’re not really mad, you’re just takin’ the piss.
12.) Agree with his statement that you are the coolest girlfriend ever.
14.) By which I mean, pass out because you did all the drugs and drank all the booze and are tired.
15.) Morning sex.
16.) For real! Make him go down on you for longer than usual.
17.) Feel happy that you love someone who loves you back, temporarily alleviating the angst caused by the knowledge that everyone, ultimately, must die alone.
18.) Hair of the dog.