Today on The Stir, there’s some advice about having sex in someone else’s house. However, one thing they didn’t take into account is that there many kinds of “other people’s houses,” and each one has its own set of protocol.

Your parents’ house.

The author of the Stir article says that sometimes one couple getting it on at a shared family home can be invigorating for the other relatives: “Last year, at a week long family gathering, my husband and I started a trend. He and I mysteriously disappeared for a little bit. When we returned to the public space in the house, we got a few winks and nods. Over the next few hours, the mood in the house was elevated to an unprecedented level of euphoria.” Is it normal to want to encourage your relatives to bone each other more? I think I need therapy from reading this.

A house where you are housesitting.

If you are in charge of watering someone else’s plants and collecting someone else’s mail, you are pretty much allowed to have sexytimes at their house. But you should also do laundry – or, at minimum, strip the sheets – before the homeowners get back.

Your friends’ house.

My friend Uri once hooked up with a girl on my couch while he was crashing at my apartment for New Year’s.

I don’t really know what that says about protocol for getting down while you’re couch surfing. I just really wanted to share that story.

Okay, scratch all of these ideas. You know where you should have sex? Hotels. Who doesn’t love hotels? Oh, and what if you don’t have money for a hotel? Your own house. Or apartment. Especially if the people next door had really loud sex last weekend and you have to get back at them. Yeah. That’ll show ’em.