Some of us have the art of seduction down… like me. When it comes to seducing my imaginary boyfriend, Fred, all I need is a fifth a whiskey and some aromatherapy candles and we’ve got ourselves a party. However, some of you need a li’l something to extra to turn your lover into a pile of bumbling love mush. So why not shake things up in the boudoir with something that sparkles, something that teases, something like… pasties. Originally created to censor the nipple in topless theatrical performances without totally covering the breast, pasties are sexy, fun and add a level of mystery.

I headed over to Babeland to learn how to make my very own pasties. I’ve already taken a burlesque class, so now I’m in need of some gear. Sex educator and burlesque star, Darlinda Just Darlinda ran the workshop with her charm and oh-so skilled ways around a craft table. While all the tips of my fingers have been scalded off with a hot glue gun, Darlinda on the other hand, with years of DIY experience under her belt, managed to keep not only her skin on but her manicure intact.

You will need:
Buckram (a stiff cotton cloth that has been treated with pyroxylin)
Adornments – strung sequins, sparkles, tassels, etc (get creative!)
Hot glue and hot glue gun
Fabric glue
Double-sided tape
(all of these items can be found at your local craft store!)

1. Cut appropriate size circles. Ideally, you want your buckram circles to cover your entire areola. If you don’t know what your areola is, you should, but please know you’re not alone as the girl across from me had to ask. You’ve had breasts for a while now so you should be able to eye it. However, if you’re a stickler for perfection, go ahead and measure the diameter so you can have a precise size.

2. Fold each circle in half, then in half again – this should give you a small triangular shape. Next, unfold the circles (you just wanted to imprint temporary creases on them) and with your scissors cut halfway up one of the creases so now you have a circle with a slit in it – kinda like how Pac-Man would look if his mouth was closed.

3. Overlap the buckram where the slit is so you make a small cone, adjust the cone for the size of your areola then close it shut with hot glue. Be careful! You don’t want to look like how I do today with Band-Aids on every finger like some sort of creepy ode to Kevin Spacey’s character in Seven. Once you have two cones made give them each a few minutes to cool while you assess the decorating part of the project.

4. The two most common ways to fancify your pasties DIY-style are sparkles and strung sequins. Sparkles are far easier, as it just requires dipping your newly made cone in fabric glue, then pouring sparkles on top; allow to dry then shake excess sparkles free. If you opt for sequins start at the tip of the cone applying hot glue and sequins slowly around the entire pasty until you reach the base – this will definitely take a bit depending on your personal levels of OCD. Again, watch out for those fingertips!

5. Once you’ve adorned your soon-to-be favorite new accessory, and you’ve let it dry, now it’s time for the tassel. Simply string the end of a needle, then pierce the tip of the pasty and attach the end of the tassel. Keep in mind pasties’ tassels are supposed to swing (this is going to take lots of practice on your part), so make sure they have enough slack to do so. With your tassel now fastened, you can cut the thread on the backside of your pasty and tie it off.

6. If you’ve never made a pasty before, you may find that yours might look a little wonky and uneven – no worries. To not only reinforce, but also make the pasty waterproof, cover the entire underneath side with a thin layer of hot glue – the hot glue will also heat up the glue on the proper side of the pasty therefore allowing you to manipulate the pasty into a less uneven looking disc. Granted, this is your first try so we can’t immediately expect perfection, but by your third or fourth set you’ll have it down. And look at that – now you have gifts for your friends, or a wide array of colorful pasties for yourself!

7. The final and probably most important step is affixing the pasties to your breasts. Darlinda Just Darlinda suggested that you don’t have any lotion or other “slimy” products on your skin, and that it’s as dry as possible so the pasties will stay in place for at least one performance. Line the inside of your pasties with double-sided tape, then remove the backing promptly before adhering to your fine physique and voila! You’re a walking sexpot, you just reinvented the meaning of hot, you’re pretty much just like me except you don’t have an imaginary boyfriend named Fred – and that makes all the difference.