Sorry!

I know you do! And I want you to know that if I ever met Ryan Goslingwho seems like a very nice person – I would happily set you up with him. “I have this great friend Ryan,” I’d say, as we sipped martinis in a place called fantasyland “you and he would really hit it off. In fact, here’s his number. Give him a call, because he’s terrific and only gives nice answers to Real Talks.”

And then you would eye me suspiciously and say “then why don’t you want to date him?”

This is why: because I find his defining trait to be “niceness.” I’m not saying that is a bad trait. I think it’s the reason that there are memes devoted to women wanting Ryan Gosling to sit around and feed ducks in a pond with them. I think it is very easy to picture him sitting there softly saying “hey girl: I’d like to spend the whole day walking through a park with you.” That is a very nice way to go through life. I like the way he breaks up fights over paintings, as though he’s some being sent from a better planet to show us how to behave to each other. As a result, I cannot imagine anyone whose bones I less want to jump.

Now, partly that’s because, I imagine when Ryan Gosling has sex, he does not have sex. He makes love. And, I mean, hell, I love cuddling as much as the next girl. And I think Ryan Gosling probably goes down on ladies for, I don’t know, three hours or something. But I can’t imagine that Ryan Gosling is someone who could push you against a wall and do you, at least not without talking about how you felt about it first. I am trying to very, very hard, and I cannot imagine having, say elevator sex with Ryan Gosling because I think Ryan Gosling would say “hey girl, you can’t stop the elevator right now, that’s going to make so many people late for work!” And, I mean, he’d be right, and he would go down on you for 7 hours when you got home, but still. [tagbox tag=”Ryan-Gosling”]

I feel like Ryan Gosling is the guy we fantasize about when our boyfriends are being jerks. He’s a much more attractive version of the male friend that you call to talk about how your boyfriend is a jerk with. And, admittedly, I have not seen  Drive but I feel like every movie plays he plays some version of that guy who feels you. Even in Crazy, Stupid, Love when he’s ostensibly some kind of bad boy who has a lot of one night stands, all the women he interacts with seem to really like him. No one seems like they call the next day to tell him they feel used. I secretly think that’s because they did not have one night stands so much as they went to a park and fed ducks, but that’s just me.

Fuck, I even feel this was about All Good Things wherein he plays a (possibly) wife murdering cross-dresser. He can walk around doing all the maybe-killing he wants onscreen but he’s still going to seem like… well, like a man who is extremely in touch with his feelings.

Part of being sexy, to me, is seeming like you are the kind of person who takes what they want when they want it (insofar as it is legal and socially acceptable). It implies, maybe, to some extent, being a bit of a jerk. George Clooney seems like he fits that definition. Bradley Cooper even seems like he fits that definition. Ryan Gosling will always strike me as the kind of man who asks politely for things.