But look, I’m flexible. Flexible when it comes to relationships! Unlike Lilit who only wants to be treated as an equal when it comes to love, I want to be treated like a lot of things. Here are some things. Behave towards me as you would behave towards them.:

1) A horrible British soldier about to embark on WWI. Basically, I would like some trifle. Could you give me some trifle? Find some, you cockney whore, don’t speak to me in your impossible cockney rhyming language! I feel certainty in my own social class, and feel certain you are scum. You should love me for that. I’d also like you to weep when I go, but only on the inside. During the war, I plan to have sex with some French people. You’ll have to deal with that. Make some tea.

2) Marilyn Monroe. I want you to put up with absurd amounts of melodrama, pill-popping and champagne swilling, and I want you to do it because I’m beautiful, okay? In return, maybe I’ll linger over a subway grate. In blue jeans. DON’T TRY TO ARGUE WITH ME I HAVE A CHILDLIKE VOICE!

3) A 1960 Jaguar Roadster. Please run your hands reverently over my sides, and whisper incoherent manly things at me. Appreciate all the places I can take you. Admire my lines and my curves and my windows that roll up. Love me. Just love me.

4) Aztec Death God. Serpents figure largely into Aztec mythology, so, here’s a story about a girl and a snake.

This girl had this boa constrictor and she slept with it. I don’t think it was a fetish thing, she just did. Because loneliness is the human condition, okay?

So, lalalala, she sleeps with a giant boa constrictor. And usually it cuddles up next to her in a real tight little ball, like a silky throw pillow you can just wrap your arms right around. Except one night it doesn’t! One night it stretches right out. And the girl wouldn’t think much of this, except it stops eating. Entirely. And the girl thinks “Oh, God, he has some sort of snake stomach cancer!” So she takes it to the vet, and she explains to him that he snake has just stopped eating. And the vet – he’s a poorly educated vet, and kind of an idiot – just says “wow, snakes, they sure are weird. Nothing to worry about!”

And then, as he’s on his way out the door, she mentions, “he’s also been sleeping weird. Usually he sleeps with me in a ball, but now he’s been lying lengthwise.” And the doctor goes ashen. “You sleep with your snake?” he replies, and the girl nods. “You have to stop doing that and put him a cage immediately,” the doctor says.

“Why?” The girl asks.

Because he is preparing to eat you.”

Turns out snakes like to lie alongside their prey for a few weeks before devouring them to make sure they’re bigger than them. They also like to fast before doing so, because they’re calorie conscious.

Baby, all I want is to be that snake for you.