break up

I’ve heard that saying “live life with no regrets” about a billion times. But we’re human, so we make mistakes, and we learn from them. Still, I think that if Michael J Fox showed up in the Delorean I’d go back to change one.

My sophomore year of high school I started dating this guy. He was 2 years younger than me. He was fun and spontanous and he was my first boyfriend. Before I started dating him I enjoyed being a “slut” with my best friend – though she was more “slutty” than I was. I had fun just flirting. We always had so much fun, but when this guy asked me to be his girlfriend, I was like “Why not? I’ve never been one of those before.”

Just like all new relationships, this guy and I were inseparable, and my slutty days with my slutty best friend were behind me.

I started only hanging out with my boyfriend and his friends. I never made time for me and my friends. When I started to notice I was losing my best friend, I decided I had to break up with him. I had always promised myself, I would never let a guy control me or change me. But I was so nervous. I had never dumped anyone. Plus this guy was so good to me. He already told me he loved me. He did everything for me. He was the perfect first boyfriend.

But I  missed my freedom. When I tried to break up with him he knew what was going on and he started crying and that broke my heart. Knowing I was hurting him like that. He begged me to give him another chance and he kept saying that
he could do better, and that he loves me. Okay –  it kinda sounds like he was being a pussy but he was 15 and we fell in love fast. We were also each other’s first love – among other things. I caved. I told him I wouldn’t leave him and I’ll get over my feelings because I love him. We ended up dating for another 2 years.

Once I graduated High School, I enrolled at a community college so I could stay near him. Within those two years, I sacrificed a lot for this guy. I even had an abortion. And although I know in my heart it was for the best, I wish I would have considered my options more.

Just before our 2 year anniversary we started fighting a lot. We were getting sick of each other. And since I wasn’t close to my friends anymore, I didn’t have anyone to talk to about it. I just couldn’t feel our “spark” anymore. It started to hurt and worry me. Especially since, now, I had given up my friends and he was all that I had.

Then one day we were about to see The Bounty Hunter (Jennifer Aniston and Gerard Butler) and I could tell something was bothering him… and I knew what it was. So I asked him, with tears in my eyes, if he’d still love me. He said of course… just not in that way anymore. I dropped him off at home and told him I’m never going to see him again.

That didn’t last long. We would hang out. He’d act hot and cold. Then I found out there was another girl. He didn’t cheat on me (I give him props for that) but he said he started having feelings for her and he would rather break up and explore those feelings.

If I could go back to that night in his grandma’s back yard I would break up with him then. Though, actually when I think about it… maybe I wouldn’t. I had two years of memories with someone I loved more than anything. And I can’t even imagine being happier if I did end things that night. But I do wish I would have separated his life from mine. I wish I would have kept some distance between us. Maybe it would have ended differently.